heart of a ragamuffin man

moving on

2009-08-23T16:23:00.000+08:00

you will find me here... http://ragamuffinkid.wordpress.com/

all time high

2008-11-03T22:15:00.002+08:00

the stress hit its all time high again.. and my mind is literally blank at this moment !!!

GASP!

I'm prepared to draw tortise on every page of my scripts lah.... :(

thank you...

2008-11-02T18:18:00.002+08:00

thank you, dan ho, for asking :)

it means a lot to me, especially when I'm already worn out and discouraged. that little sms is a booster.

in case you are still wondering, you are the first and only one who asked. I'm may not have to confidence to pass them this time round, but I'll still do what i can to get it through. :)

to love and to be loved

2008-11-02T02:01:00.003+08:00

"I think everyone who allows themselves to honestly be loved is going to be wounded. Your life is a gift, and out of gratitude to God you should go our there and live. And when it's all over, you're gonna be pretty wounded. And I hope that you're hurt because people have loved you, not because they have used you." - Rich Mullins

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken." - C.S. Lewis

you won't relent

2008-10-29T13:49:00.001+08:00

by Misty Edwards

You won’t relent until You have it all
My heart is Yours
I’ll set you as a seal, upon my heart
As a seal upon my arm
For there is love, that is as strong as death
Jealousy demanding as the grave
And many waters, cannot quench this love

Come be the fire inside of me
Come be the flame upon my heart
Come be the fire inside of me
Until you and I are one

I don’t wanna talk about you like you’re not in the room
I wanna look right at you, wanna sing right to you

psalm 142

2008-10-28T20:39:00.004+08:00

1 I cry aloud to the LORD;
I lift up my voice to the LORD for mercy.

2 I pour out my complaint before him;
before him I tell my trouble.

3 When my spirit grows faint within me,
it is you who know my way.
In the path where I walk
men have hidden a snare for me.

4 Look to my right and see;
no one is concerned for me.
I have no refuge;
no one cares for my life.

5 I cry to you, O LORD;
I say, "You are my refuge,
my portion in the land of the living."

6 Listen to my cry,
for I am in desperate need;
rescue me from those who pursue me,
for they are too strong for me.

7 Set me free from my prison,
that I may praise your name.
Then the righteous will gather about me
because of your goodness to me.

If the rubbish bin which I saw is meant to be for me, then so be it .. sigh.

a quick one before hiatus

2008-10-17T23:08:00.003+08:00

It's that four-letter word of the year again and I've got two weeks more before I start to draw tortoise on my answer scripts... sigh.

It's official. I have just started my spinal rehab therapy session at spinetrends. My spine is in the degenerating process, and it has reached level 2 out of 3. Don't have a choice here. I do not want to suffer later and pay more for my medical expenses when I can try to rectify the problem by slowing down the degenerative process.

And this is official too. I'm now 88kg ... 2kg lighter in 2 months ... thanks to Agel FIT!!!! WOOHOO!!!! You must try it, man!

I told my boss that I'm not intending to sign on the dotted line after my contract ends in March next year. I pray I'm making a right decision here. Told God to stop if He intends for me to continue, but I wish I don't have to. I'm embarking on Agel business thingy which I hope it will give me more free time, not to slack but to embark on mission trips, studies .. and perhaps DTS course with YWAM, if they still want to accept this old man as their student.

I don't have any energy left to continue in serving the youth ministry. I felt very ineffective somehow. Maybe I needed to refresh myself? Maybe it's time to move on? Maybe it's just part and parcel of the package in serving Him? For now, I don't know. I really don't know.

If my hiatus takes a wee bit too long, I may just be gone for good. Not to worry, you won't miss me.

what would you do?

2008-09-29T11:21:00.004+08:00

What would you do when a person says that he or she does not believe in God or find Him real, even he or she knows that God is there, and has experienced His love, grace and mercy? What would you do when a person insists that God must give them what they pray for and reject Him when He does not? What would you do when they choose to bear all the pain and anger, suppress them in their hearts and not willing to let go?

What would you do ....?

I have already shared enough. They have heard it all ... perhaps all too many times. I shall keep quiet but pray that God will do whatever it takes to bring them back to Him, even if it means afflictions.

Heartless? It may sound that way. But if you look at how God had dealt with His people in the old testament, He brought afflictions to His people, because He loved them and wanted them to turn to Him when they were totally broken.

I would rather that they are completely broken, feel the lack and the desperation for God, rather than hearts being hardened and eyes being blinded by the works of Satan who comes to seek, to kill and to destroy.

AH CHOOOOOO...

2008-09-26T22:53:00.001+08:00

Sigh, my nose is running wild again. :(

what would you die for?

2008-09-20T23:39:00.002+08:00

I was at AWD2 class this morning .. yeah, I am doing a revision on the module at half the price. We were learning to play this song "I Would Die For You" by MercyMe. It was written in memory of BJ Higgins, a 15-year old missionary to Peru and went home to the Lord after the trip.

And I realised that if you know what you would die for, you will know your purpose here on Earth.

What would you die for?

And I really heard angels singing when we were playing that song for the last time before we are dismissed.

death sentence

2008-09-19T22:21:00.002+08:00

The report is a death sentence to me. Call this a wake-up call if you like - enough to jot one into action and to do something about it, except that I already knew I had to do something but have not done enough to avert the situation. Either I step up on my actions or I'll really end up in my pre-mature death when I least expect it.

Sounds kind of funny actually because it's really nothing new after all. Remember how God would use wake-up calls to draw His people who have strayed away repeatedly, back to Himself?

"Even now," declares the LORD, "return to me with all your heart, with fasting and weeping and mourning." - Joel 12:2

They woke up, they responded in broken and contrite spirit, and they returned. Then after sometime, they drifted away and gone back to their slumber. And God had to sound that call to wake them up.... and the vicious cycle repeats itself throughout history of mankind.

Did God sound His wake-up call in your life lately? If yes, don't procrastinate in responding to His call. He loves you so much that He would not want to loose you from His embrace.

[performance appraisal]

I'm supposed to be doing my performance appraisal at this time of the year. I wish I don't have to. Because if I don't, then my chances of retiring after my contract expires in 6 months time will fall in the 95% percentile and I shall become a free man once again!!! But my Director and my boss are totally NOT in favour of that idea. I mean .... why would they want a toilet bowl washer like me to hang around in their department? :(

But I'm doing another performance appraisal on my own ... my role as a past cell leader and sup intern. I tend to measure performance based on how the kids have grown all these years in their level of maturity, in spiritual growth, in their relationship with God. I guess that's how we measure our own appraisal, based on the more tangible and observable results.

On a Likert-scale of 1 to 5, with 5 being excellent, I would give myself a 1 instead. Sometimes, I would tell myself that this is their adolescence phase, a rebellious phase of wanting to do things on their own, to carve out an identity who they are in this world. It's a time when they go through their identity crisis, as how Erikson would put it. But when I see how other peers of theirs have sort of outperformed them, I could not help but sense my utmost failure in bringing them up to follow Him and chase after His own heart. Maybe God has His timing after all to turn their hearts to Himself. But for now .... sigh... oh wells... :(

timor prayer night

2008-09-12T19:20:00.007+08:00

Last night, I had to pon ATRIA meeting because it coincided with Timor Prayer Night. Siew Lee and Li Shan just returned to Singapore for their sabbatical leave and were able to give an account for their project Cocoon, an English language learning cum library project which they are managing. Other field workers also gave their account of what they had done. A doctor lamented that after he returned home from Luquica, there were no replacement to take his place. As of now, there's no doctor for them to turn to if anyone were to succumb to any critical illness. Whenever he is on duty and treating the local patients, it sort of hurts him more to know that there are none available to serve the Luquica people who needed one more badly than us.

I felt the nudge to write on the card but I did. I stopped short of moving out for altar call. In a sense, I was fearful of doing that. But I told God that I want to honor what I have written and I do not want to back out. I'm not sure when it will happen, but if it does, I'll need a whole lot more courage and faith to move out of the comfort zone and to trust in Him. For how long? only God knows.

I know that I may have set my standards high on my choice of a life-long partner. But I think I have found out the category of the other-half which I had been looking for. She may not be 100% perfect, but she turned out to be someone who loves God wholeheartedly, teachable in spirit, and chooses to carry the Cross daily and follows Him, even if it means to be out in the mission field for the rest of her life.

I don't know if I'm good enough for her. It can be disappointing if it doesn't work out. Choices seem to be very limited in that sense. Oh wells ....

Sigh.....

on a wing and a prayer

2008-08-31T22:07:00.003+08:00

She took the path which was less travelled, according to the eyes of the world. She left her well-paid teaching job and embarked on a journey which was her desire but required a greater sacrifice - to work with the at-risk youths. Armed with a wing and a prayer, and the voice she received during her retreat, she took the step of faith to apply for Masters in Human Development and Psychology (specializing in Risk and Prevention) at Harvard Graduate School of Education. It was a course that is directly related to her passion and need. She thought she could not get in. God opened a way for her, provided for her needs and saw her through that period.

She's now an adjunct lecturer as well as a freelance consultant / trainer to teach teachers in the areas of education psychology - how to uncover those hidden precious gems in the youths who have yet to discover them, and give them a second chance to live life to the fullest.

The quote by Marianne Williamson became her personal oath to accomplish the passion and to finish the journey that she was called to travel:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

When I first read her testimony during my first tutorial session of educational psychology module with her as my tutor, I could just feel that passion rising within me. I have never felt so liberated by someone who stepped out of the comfort zone to fulfill her calling. For the past six sessions, I had the honor to hear her experiences in working with her students. I had the privilege of going through those interactive activities which gave me a glimpse of how we can create that same learning atmosphere to increase student's intrinsic motivation to excel and to develop themselves as a whole being.

Come to think of it, having her as my tutor is not chance but His divine arrangement for me to be taught by her, so that I am reminded once again of why I left my old job at the crossroad of my life.

To Marion Neubronner, thank you for all the precious lessons which money cannot buy, even though I have not done justice to you in my tutorials :P

Blessed Teacher's Day and may you continue to stir up many more courageous hearts to take on this same unbeaten path, on a wing and a prayer!

empty but beautiful

2008-08-25T09:44:00.002+08:00

by Matt Maher

My past won't stop haunting me
In this prison there's a fight between
Who I am and who I used to be

This thorn in my side is a grace
For because of it the flesh and blood of God
Was offered in my place, my place

You fought the fight in me
You chased me down and finished the race
I was blind but now I see
Jesus You kept the faith in me

Where did my best friends go?
In my defense they disappeared
Just like Your friends did to You, oh Lord

But You were there, You gave me strength
So this little one might come to know
The glory of Your name, Your name

You fought the fight in me
You chased me down and finished the race
I was blind but now I see
Jesus You kept the faith in me

Awaiting, set apart like incense to Your heart
A libation I'm pouring out
Empty and beautiful, beautiful, beautiful

You fought the fight in me
You chased me down and finished the race
I was blind but now I see
Jesus You kept the faith in me

You fought the fight in me
You chased me down and finished the race
I was blind but now I see
Jesus You kept the faith in me
Jesus You kept the faith in me
Savior, You kept the faith in me

amazed

2008-08-24T00:36:00.004+08:00

It had been quite a busy period. Two more tutorials before I can slow down my pace of studies a bit. It's hard to journal nowadays. When I wanted to write something that struck me most at that point of time, I seemed not to be able to find the avenue to do it and slowly, I would forget about it. Short term memory ? I guess. Since it's a zero-readership blog, it won't really matter at all.

The number of leave I have does not help me much in trying to juggle with the desire to go back to East Timor for mission trip, as well as the youth leaders advance, both happening in December almost simultaneously. But then, it's the least of the problem. I can still take no pay leave if I have to. The world may think that I must be mad to take no-pay leave to go for stuff like that. True ... it may affect my bonus, but it's still much better than having to miss out the opportunities as well as the possible personal encounters with God himself.

A day in the house of the Lord is better than a thousand days (or years) elsewhere.

I am amazed by the Lord's work in the life of my relative at the hospice. God was sending people to minister to and share the good news with her. Now, she is reading the new testament Bible which I gave her in February but was chucked aside to collect dust. First thing in the morning, she would blast her CD player and sing all the Hokkien gospel and praise songs which was compiled by one of the presumably church workers cum volunteer who heard God telling him or her specifically to visit my relative! Two weeks ago, Jesus appeared to her in her dreams as a bright light. The next day, she said the sinner's prayer with a pastor who visited her.

Best of all, God is healing her. You could tell it from her happy and chirpy face.

Now the hospice is waiting to "kick her out" - in a good sense - to a nursing home. And there's an Anglican church with a Hokkien worship service next to the home where she can begin to fellowship and make new friends!

I could never imagine this day to come, even we are distance relatives. God is doing something much bigger and better than what I could ever fathom. :)

untitled hymn (come to jesus)

2008-08-11T23:15:00.003+08:00

Call this the biography of a Christian if you like.

I'm just short of singing that last verse. And when I really do sing it before you get to do so, I hope that you will always remain faithful, cling to Jesus and live.

:)

by Chris Rice

Weak and wounded sinner
Lost and left to die
O, raise your head, for love is passing by
Come to Jesus
Come to Jesus
Come to Jesus and live!

Now your burden's lifted
And carried far away
And precious blood has washed away the stain, so
Sing to Jesus
Sing to Jesus
Sing to Jesus and live!

And like a newborn baby
Don't be afraid to crawl
And remember when you walk
Sometimes we fall...so
Fall on Jesus
Fall on Jesus
Fall on Jesus and live!

Sometimes the way is lonely
And steep and filled with pain
So if your sky is dark and pours the rain, then
Cry to Jesus
Cry to Jesus
Cry to Jesus and live!

O, and when the love spills over
And music fills the night
And when you can't contain your joy inside, then
Dance for Jesus
Dance for Jesus
Dance for Jesus and live!

And with your final heartbeat
Kiss the world goodbye
Then go in peace, and laugh on Glory's side, and
Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus and live!

40-day wrap up

2008-08-09T23:08:00.003+08:00

oh no! derrick really plucked that photo into the video for the national anthem. today, my cell kids and some pastors were ranting to me on what they saw. I saw that too last night. I don't know where to hide my face anymore. Nontheless, Auntie Lai Kheng roped me in, and I was humbled at the opportunity to serve in the backstage work - escort and usher for the senior pastors and VIPs from LoveSingapore leadership team.

But the "Day of His Power" prayer concert at Max Pavilion was a good wrap-up on what God was trying to teach me during the 40-day prayer this year. I made it through the partial fast on most of the days. I completed the 40-days prayer guide. For someone like me who can be very undisciplined most of the times ... :P, it was really an accomplishment. But most of all, it was a real test of commitment. Not that it made my halo shines much brighter, it got me reflecting on how special the poor and needy are in God's eyes, how precious the foreigners and migrant workers in Singapore are to Him, how we need to seek forgiveness from them - on how we tend to mistreat aliens in our land which is against what God has commanded in His words.

We are in our seventh year of abundance. Another seven more years to go before the nation's jubilee. As God has spoken through Ps Lawrence Khong, how Singapore will become at its 50th, will begin with the decisions and commitments from the Christians and churches of today, on what we are going to do over the next seven years. And with that, it also marked the symbolic hand-over of LoveSingapore leadership from Ps Rick Seaward to Ps Lawrence, though the official date is 2009.

teach me to worship you

2008-08-06T10:34:00.003+08:00

I've not sung this for eons!!! When it was sung as a closing song during youth service last Saturday evening, it brought me back to my first love and reminded me on how God has been so faithful in seeing me through my journey while I have not been so faithful to Him.

And this is the first time I discovered that the song was written by a home-grown sister-in-Christ from my sister church! It's amazing !!!

by Quek Li Huan

Teach me to worship You
Teach me to adore You
I want to love You with my whole being
To learn to praise Your name
Each day to do the same
Teach me O Lord the way
To worship You

I want to worship You
I want to adore You
I want to love You with my whole being
To forsake my sinful ways
To look upon Your face
And understand Your grace
O Lord my God

how he loves

2008-08-04T10:08:00.005+08:00

This video explains the story behind the song. It's heart wrenching but yet so liberating.

Will you give your whole life to Jesus?

How He Loves By John Mark McMillan

Verse 1:
He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realise just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

Pre-Chorus:
And oh, how He loves us so,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us so

Chorus 1:
Yeah, He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.

Verse 2:
We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
So Heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss,
And the heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way…

Chorus 2:
He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.

*Verse 3:
Well, I thought about You the day Stephen died,
And You met me between my breaking.
I know that I still love You, God, despite the agony.
...They want to tell me You're cruel,
But if Stephen could sing, he'd say it's not true, cause...

Chorus 3:
Cause He loves us,
Oh how He loves us.
Oh how He loves us.
Oh how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.

go4th

2008-07-19T22:54:00.003+08:00

Felt the nudge to attend the GoForth Conference Evening Rally on Friday, even though I could not attend the whole conference. Rev Dr Loren Cunningham spoke that night on reaching out to the next generation. I was whammed by what had been spoken and they just stirred my heart once more. God gently reminded me of the promise .... the dedication I made during the altar call at GoForth Conference 2005, and on this night, I rededicated myself to that cause once again. I needed to do that. It helps me to be accountable to God on my words and not to loose focus on Jesus.

Imagine that this overaged youth aka dinosaur still waiting to fulfill an unfulfilled dream - to join DTS at YWAM.

My "friend" at the Assisi Hospice is going to move out to a nursing home. That means, there's a chance for progressive and complete healing from cancer. And a second chance to live the remaining life to the fullest, as well as a chance of salvation too. God was good enough to teach me the practical aspect of compassion through this period, especially when it coincides with the theme of 40-Day prayer - compassion for the poor and needy.

One pastor, two supervisor interns, 28 other youth cell leaders. 5 months with a common objective to bond them together, honoring and affirming each other, and to spread it to their cells. Chewy, the overaged youth supervisor intern here is really going to be stretched, considering he has to juggle with work and studies concurrently .... unless he gives up his full-time job to concentrate his studies as well as the ministry. It sounds all so tempting once again. Lord, please give him the affirmation and the peace to do so.

random thoughts on a saturday night

2008-07-12T22:24:00.004+08:00

Blogging this at Starbucks ValleyPoint before they close shop for the day. It's the only way I could harness on the Wireless@SG to clear emails, to read and to write journals as I've yet to call Singtel to check on my phone line. Maybe... it's a blessing in disguise to leave it like that.

I visited small tan's wake at sin ming last night (with one ex-colleague) and this afternoon (with a bunch of ex-colleagues). In a sense, it was like a mini-gatherings of the acquaintances from airport, such as auntie nellie whom I've not seen for last 12 years or so, as well as getting to know a new-found friend like shirwin.

According to what I'd heard from his eldest sister, small tan passed away without putting up any struggles, even though he was in great pain. To me, I'm sad that I've lost a friend whom we can share with each other almost everything under the sun, but I felt even more lost for him because he did not cross to the "other side". I did not weep. I didn't know why. Perhaps I have sort of expected or even prepared for it over the past few months even though I still see Jesus as the ultimate healer.

I've just learnt another thing about him. He's a staunch buddhist. When he was alive, he visited his temple regularly to pray for his mom, siblings and relatives in the family ... sort of like everyday in the morning from his house in bedok to the temple in waterloo street before heading to changi and start work at 8am. He followed his rituals religiously and without fail, rain or shine. If the word "temple" was ever whispered to him, his ears would vibrate and he would become very alert.

And I ask myself this - if small tan has been so faithful and committed in doing these rituals everyday with such a gladful heart, without struggles or complaints, how faithful and committed was me in the area of building my love relationship with Father God, reading His word, obeying His commands? I am definitely nowhere near in terms of that type of perseverance. It's amazing how God sometimes can use a non-Christian can put a Christian to shame in these areas.

(alan)

I got myself another name. I didn't know that initially until Auntie Lai Kheng keeps calling me Alan even though I remembered that I did tell her years ago that it was not. I have no heart to tell her that anymore. I shall be Alan in Auntie Lai Kheng's eyes :)

WHenever she shares during the City@Prayer session, her words are always filled with passion and fire, full of that conviction, always encouraging us to walk the talk, especially in the context of this 40-day prayer. I know she could convince me to do that because she has led by example. She is someone who walks the talk. I like how she defines intercessors for the poor and needy- someone who not only stands in the gap for them in the spiritual realm, but also does social intervention (feeding and providing for them). Prayer without actions is like NATO (No Action Talk Only).

Lord, have mercy on me!

(akan datang ... 5 months of madness)

I just began to realize that for the next 5 months or so, besides working everyday, I will be having lessons on Monday to Wednesday evenings, leaders cell on Fridays evenings, and supervisors' cell on once every two to three weeks on a Thursday evening, Saturday doing visitation and having youth ministry involvements, Sunday is sort of the only day left for some spiritual feeding @ the morning adult service, some personal time to catch up with school work and gym unless pastors are requesting to meet up for planning in the afternoon.

I really don't know if I can cope with these anymore. :|

Dad, if You want me to do it, You got to grant me Your strength and grace, and pull me through.

small tan

2008-07-11T09:20:00.003+08:00

My long-time friend cum faithful and loyal former working colleague, small tan, passed away this morning at Dover Road Hospice after his long struggle with cancer.

:(

Lord, have mercy....

jon

2008-07-09T22:08:00.003+08:00

Term starting in less than two weeks and I'm trying to slack as much as I can until the next round of madness begins. Managed to meet up with Jon, an old army buddy from my former armoured engineer unit at marina square last evening. We had a time of catching up and got an update on what has been happening to him over these years.

I am really nowhere near to his level of resilience, his faith and perseverance, despite his struggles which has been quite trying and demanding on his life. He's still serving in church. He's still involved in the ministry work with the aged. He started a sideline with another friend to give the aged to earn some income. And with the sideline, he's helping to cope with his mom's medical expenses for past 6 years which comes to about 5 digits every month. And he just started his degree studies with UniSIM early this year.

I don't know why, but I think the loving God has the answer as to why he has to go through all these struggles. And he is still hanging on. If you want a living example of someone who lives by faith despite not able to see the future, I would say that Jon is one of such people.

I really admire his courage. I really hats off to him.

Jon, you are in my prayers, though I didn't say it.

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the cheques + stillness + atria

2008-07-07T23:17:00.004+08:00

[the cheques]

Auntie Lai Kheng shared at the 40-day prayer meeting about this true story that moved my heart very much. She knew of a teacher friend of hers who died of hemorrhage. She asked the Lord why did He have to take her home soon. She probably did not know why until now. But what she found out from her friend's dad was that he found a thick stack of cheques which were bundled up and they were never encashed at all. Moreover, the amount for each cheques were ain't small (in thousands, as what I've heard). He soon discovered that these cheques were the monies whom the teacher has loaned to her friend who was in desperate genuine need. The teacher was just helping her friend to keep accountability on the agreement - to pay back when he or she was able to do so. But at the back of her mind, it seemed that she was prepared to forego the monies to help her friend and not expecting them to be returned. because her friend has a dire need to pick up the pieces and start a new life probably. Guess only she knew the details and the desperation.

You may say that she is dumb to do that. You may not support what she has done. But I think she did it out of obedience of what God has commanded in Phil 2:1-4:

If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.

Call me stupid if you like, but I want to learn to do that.

[stillness]

What is stillness? a sea of calmness and without ripples? A stilled environment?

Imagine there's a storm, the seas come crashing in to the shores. The trees were swaying in the direction of the wind. But hidden deeply amongst the branches of a particular tree is a nest. The baby bird is asleep soundly under the wings of her mother.

That is truly stillness at its ultimate.

And that reminds me of Jesus asleep at the rear of the boat while His disciples were screaming for their lives in the midst of a fierce storm.

God didn't say to wait till the storm has calmed and when everything is still, then be still and know that He is God. He just simply said - :Be still. If everything is still, then He might not need to say those two words.

So, in the midst of your struggles, problems, challenges, temptations .... Look not at these things that could tear you apart, but just "Be still, and know that I am God" (Psalm 46:10).

[atria]

Glad to have attended the Atria Unconference last Friday. Met new like-minded bros and sisters in Christ from different walks of life. I sat in the Faith track with Paul facilitating the discussion. I saw that each of us blogs with different purpose and different styles, but to bring the Truth to the world who are lost and confused. It sounded so much like we play different parts or roles in the body of Christ ... but ultimately, we still belong to ONE body of Christ. That encourages me a lot indeed.

every road pay

2008-07-02T22:15:00.007+08:00

That's the new acronym for ERP. As of this day, we have 65 gantries.

By 2010,

By 2015,

Every few meters you will see this,

Who knows, not very far in future, we may have ERP for all bicycles, armoured vehiceles in SAF training areas, airplanes which are coming into Singapore's airspace, for humans (all of us may be embedded with IU readers and we get beeped every few meters we walk. :P

Well, you may never know....

horizontally challenged

2008-07-02T12:00:00.003+08:00

Ok, so I'm fat too, not just old.

I am now wearing this Size 33 working pants and I can't even buckle it up properly. What's keeping it from dropping off and me from being sued for indecent exposure is the belt. Sometimes, I could see, from side ways, that my tummy (or was it my over-bloated intestine), budging out as if I am 3 - 4 months pregnant.

I don't want to be fat in this manner. It can grow fatter if I get hungry. But I don't mind being spiritually fat in the full counsel of His word. In this way, I know I'll never be spiritually hungry.

Do not work for food that spoils, but for food that endures to eternal life, which the Son of Man will give you. - John 6:27

I am the bread of life. He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty. - John 6:35

lead me to the cross

2008-06-30T23:48:00.004+08:00

It has brought me to my knees with tears without fail, and yet there's no condemnation. I know there's nothing I can do except to surrender myself completely and follow Him wholeheartedly. I want to follow. I would rather choose to follow the cross than the world. It's hard. It's tough. Struggles and temptations abound as I take these steps. Things may not seem to traverse in the way they should be. He didn't say the road would be easy to travel, but He said He will walk alongside with me. He had already won the victory for me so I can boldly claim it by faith. What I will need His grace to help me persevere.

Help me, Dad. I can't do this without You.

********************************************
Savior I come
Quiet my soul remember
Redemptions hill
Where Your blood was spilled
For my ransom
Everything I once held dear
I count it all as lost

Lead me to the cross
Where Your love poured out
Bring me to my knees
Lord I lay me down
Rid me of myself
I belong to You
Lead me, lead me to the cross

You were as I
Tempted and trialed
You are
Te word became flesh
Bore my sin and death
Now you're risen

Lead me to the cross
Where Your love poured out
Bring me to my knees
Lord I lay me down
Rid me of myself
I belong to You
Lead me, lead me to the cross

To your heart
To your heart
Lead me to your heart
Lead me to your heart

Lead me to the cross
Where Your love poured out
Bring me to my knees
Lord I lay me down
Rid me of myself
I belong to You
Lead me, lead me to the cross

southern ridge jalan-jalan

2008-06-30T23:00:00.003+08:00

I finally got a chance to walk a part of the Southern Ridge, from Mount Faber to Hort Park, cutting across the Henderson Wave and the Jungle Walk behind Telok Blangah Hill Park. In total, two hours of walk and one hour of hanging around at Hort Park. It's really a very nice experience to walk that path and it beats walking on a crowded weekend. But the weather was sunny and solid hot, and there was no sign of loosing some fats on my waistline. Now, I think I need a wheelchair for my aching legs.

CLICK HERE and search for the album. But here's some to whet your appetite.

sentosa + slip of my mind

2008-06-22T22:39:00.004+08:00

I really had a good time hibernating on the beach chair in palawan beach this late afternoon. It was great to have a little tan though I didn't see any tanning effect on my skin. I can't get dark. Even if it does, I will back to norm in two weeks time. But it was good. Had a chance to embrace that sea breeze and sleep for a while, while my titbits were getting soggy and lime freeze was melting away.

Took few snapshots with my new Nikon P80. Got it at John 3: 16 shop few days ago. Samuel sold it to me at $560 which is also bundled with the same full suite of freebies. Other shops would be selling it at $699. I loved that zoom function. I could even see the name of the ships which were berthed far away from the shore. CLICK HERE.

It just slipped my mind. I have totally forgotten that my last sem's results were released on Friday afternoon! and I just got to know about it on the student portal. I really expected the worst to happen. I was prepared to pay the price. I was expecting to repeat one module after I threw so much smoke grenades on my exam script. But after I viewed my results just now, I won't say it's good, but at least I could still say "THANK YOU, HEAVENLY DAD!". It just got to be Him... again. :)

And I still got 7 more days to pay for my next sem's modules!

old...

2008-06-21T23:32:00.003+08:00

I know I am not getting any younger when I could recall that:

1. orchard road outside borders used to be a two-way traffic
2. I had to queue up at Prince Theatre (aka Prince Cineplex) to buy tickets for the show "Jaws" for 3 days in advance
3. the only cinema that showed Raiders of Lost Ark, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom was Prince Theatre
4. Lido Theatre was the only hall that screens James Bond movies
5. Yangtze Cineplex used to screen decent PG and G movies and was NOT a place of gathering for "Dirty Old Man" drooling in front of the lusty movie posters
6. I watched the movie "Earthquake"which was shown in Sensurround, at Rex Theatre.
7. I once stayed in SGH's Norris Block which is now the clock tower cum Heritage Center.
8. Catholic High School, RI and SJI used to be at Bras Basah area.
9. SJI guys would date CHIJ girls at the "Red House" @ the junction of Bras Basah Road and Victoria Street
10. COOS used to be at Prince Charles Crescent and the youth hangout was 1A Jervois Close
11. young lovebirds would hang out on the rooftop of NUS Central Library under the twinkling stars
12. I had to buy bus stamps from POSB for monthly bus concession
13. Post Office used to have POSB functions cum postal functions under one roof
14. loans and returns were manually done in the public libraries (no such things as computers or servers)
15. libraries weren't air-conditioned
16. letters and memos were typed using the mechanical desktop typewriters
17. SBS buses used to have bus conductors.
18. SBS buses used to have these one-door buses and I used to have this thrill of standing at the bottom steps of the doorway with one of my legs dangling out to the next vehicle lane while it was moving or making a sharp turn.
19. the song "How Deep Is Your Love" by Bee Gees was a popular hit when I was primary 6.
20. the Suntec and Marina Square area was literally a sea, not land.

Ok, I admit. I am old.

"Even when I am old and gray, do not forsake me, O God," - Psalm 71:18a

I could identify myself with it when I was reading this particular devotion in "The Hidden Face of God" by Michael Card. Deep but yet thought-provoking. In general, the aged are not really so worried about their illness or deterioration. It's the fear of loneliness, the fear of being forgotten and abandoned by their loved ones who would not visit them or communicate with them. That fear could even lead them to think the God has forgotten them too.

Once in a while, I felt like that too. I could not help it. It just came. Especially when I see myself in the Youth Ministry, when I see a bunch of these kids grew up over the years, physically and spiritually. I could feel myself as redundant, but it's good in a sense because that would mean they are ready to rise up in this new generation, to fulfill what the elder folks were not able to accomplish in their youths.

But He was good. He reaffirmed His promises every now and then during that most intimate time of worship. He did it again this evening during the youth worship. I knew it was Him.

"The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." Deut 31:8

And I was reminded of Joshua and Caleb. Still so full of life and strength, waiting eagerly to claim that promised land which God has promised, at the age of 80. I think He's not letting me go into retirement so soon.

Time to loose the waistline. I'm "very" horizontally" challenged whenever I put on a size 34 pants or jeans.

Tomorrow (Sunday) afternoon is Sentosa Time! Yay! Shall hibernate there till the stars and moon make their appearance.

a bit late...

2008-06-16T08:29:00.006+08:00

but nonetheless, to my Heavenly Dad - Happy Father's Day!

:)

Rags wrote this in his journal about Mentoring or Fatherhood....

I felt the same way too, and I know my cell kids will continuously learn and grow in Him. I did my best to sow the seeds and water them, but God makes them grow in His own good time. I just need to remain faithful to do my part and trust in Him to do the rest.

mundane

2008-06-12T23:19:00.002+08:00

Work has been pretty routine and mundane lately. Plus point is the income I get. The only downside is my insufficient leave balance. I calculated that I would probably need at least 25 days of leave in total to fulfill with the following stuff I was hoping to do:

a. Go4th Conference in July
b. Myanmar Medical Relief Trip
c. My church's worship Seminar in August
d. Mission Trip to East Timor
e. 5 days to prep for my papers.

I don't even know if I can take so many days of leave. One option is to use my leave the exam and forego the rest of the activities if I want to maintain my working status. The other option is to adopt the unemployed status, then tackle my course modules as if I'm doing them full time and to fulfill those stuff I would really want to do.

It's not a bad organisation to work in, but something tells me that this place is not meant for me to stay till retirement unless I choose to do so.

But for how long do I have to stay? or does this mean I have to leave now before my contact could end?

[suffering]

"The real people who suffer are the ones who never experience God's presence." - Brother Yun

words of jackie pullinger

2008-06-10T21:57:00.003+08:00

Extracted from Jackie Pullinger's sermons which were recorded during the Fever05 Commissioning Service.

"If you have known the love of God, if you have tasted His sweetness at all, there's no other way to serve Him except giving up your life and this is voluntary.This is not a sentence of death at all. We're not sentenced to death, we're just privileged to answer His call."

"Basic gospel is very simple. It's when somebody doesn't have rice and you got rice, you give them half your bowl. And when somebody says, "please walk a mile", you walk two. That's basic gospel. And half the world aren't going to believe in Jesus unless we do that."

the ttc student's prayer

2008-06-02T23:16:00.002+08:00

Found this interesting prayer from the Trinity Theological College 2008 Graduation Magazine ... doesn't this prayer sound super-duper familiar?

Our friends in TTC
Hello to those with names
Our group discussions come
Our papers to be done
Give us today our daily readings
Forgive us for our laziness
As we forgive those who are also lazy
Lead us not into temptations
And deliver us from our deadline
For all is for TTC's requirements, marking and our grades
Amen!

Lecturers have mercy upon us.
Christ has mercy upon our lecturers.

:P

teddy thotz 'n' onekind

2008-06-02T23:05:00.003+08:00

I have not met up an old army buddy, jon, for a number of years since I knew he was serving full time in CHC. Not sure if he's still there and wondering how he's doing, I sms him to say hi this morning. The timing turned out to be just nice because he was about to go off on a personal businses trip for two weeks in the afternoon. He sent me his email address as well as his website address:

http://www.teddythotz.com

I think the website is self-explanatory. I guess that this is a partnership and probably an extension of his ministry work with the senior citizens. If you ask me, give your support if you can.

Jon, I salute you for your love and passion to serve the Lord in this area. Meet up when you are back, ok?

Oops, now I just remembered that I'm supposed to meet up two old BMT mates, Erh and MunKok, this Friday evening!

the call

2008-06-02T11:10:00.004+08:00

When I first heard of this song from the movie, Prince Caspian, I knew He was telling me something. Ok, so I can't disappear into oblivion, and as time passes, we may not see each other as much as before. But, this is my assurance to you (my blessed kakis, all the youths I know, my long-time buddies be it from schools, army or ex-work places), that as long as I am still alive ...

I'll come back
When you call me
No need to say goodbye

****************************************
(performed by Regina Spektor)

It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into a hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word

And then that word grew louder and louder
'Til it was a battle cry
I'll come back
When you call me
No need to say goodbye

Just because everything's changing
Doesn't mean it's never been this way before
All you can do is try to know who your friends are
As you head off to the war

Pick a star on the dark horizon
And follow the light
You'll come back when it's over
No need to say goodbye

You'll come back when it's over
No need to say goodbye

Now we're back to the beginning
It's just a feeling and no one knows yet
But just because they can't feel it too
Doesn't mean that you have to forget

Let your memories grow stronger and stronger
'Til they're before your eyes
You'll come back
When they call you
No need to say goodbye

You'll come back
When they call you
No need to say goodbye

running wild ... again

2008-05-30T21:43:00.002+08:00

My nose is running wild once again. My back is aching. I'm having a headache and my brain is just dead tired after almost running out of patience in office this afternoon. got to think of a way to get rid of this flu, besides praying for healing.

dead stuck

2008-05-27T14:39:00.003+08:00

sigh... my brain was dead stuck for my last exam on 21 May after cramming 17 chapters of theories and concepts over the one week period. How to pass like this? Moreover, my friend cum former Fever05 tripper to Maliana, GraceYang, happened to be the senior invigilator that night and she was snickering away whenever she walked passed me... and my coursemate who is supposed to be pretty gilat in his studies, also left the exam hall at least 30 minutes earlier .... sighhhhhhhhhh.... how to survive? aiyah... wait till the results come out and see how to go about it.

Last night, I have never felt so much lonely and so lost. Probably it's because there were already two couples in the dinner group who were gelling with each other so well and I'm still the only zuan-shi-wang-lao-hu who could not clique along. And coupled with the onset of flu bugs earlier in the day, it was not helping me to stay alive throughout the whole evening. At least, I'm glad that they had a real wonderful time and that matters most. Hmm, really won't make a difference if I were to disappear or cease to exist from the face of this earth because I doubt anyone will know. Perhaps, that's the best option after all.

private thoughts on a very public service

2008-05-16T10:37:00.002+08:00

(a visual poetry from the Singapore Public Service video)

Each day begins ordinary
For each of us
Wherever we are
Whoever we are
And is entirely
Up to each of us
To make extraordinary
Each one of us
A private person
Serving a very public cause
Each one
Not more important
Than each other
And yet most important
On our own
Just because
The chain is strong
As its weakest link
And so we all strive Each one of us
To our very best
Together
Each and every day
The face we wear is
More than a simple face
It represents more than
Just the smile we warm
The service with
We are the interface
The human expression
Of ideals
Of goals
Of aspirations
Of standards
That mark a nation's pride
And we stride forth
Knowing full well
The load we gladly carry
The face we front
Is the caring face
The efficient face
The thinking face
The working face
The official face and
The personal face
Of a nation hard at work
A nation serving
Its busy people well
And so we strive
Each one of us
To put forth the best face we have
For you
The public meets us
One at a time
But in truth
We are more than
You might care to count
We are there to help
In so many aspects
That affect your world
Playing an active role
In how you live
In how you work
And how you play
We come from different backgrounds
Armed with different skills
Come in different shapes
Engage in different work
Work in different places
Take charge of different spaces
We are as diverse as
There are types of people
In one nation
But we have one common goal
Bound with one uncommon passion
And that is to serve you
And to serve with fine distinction
Each day for us ends
In quiet satisfaction
For each of us
Wherever we are
Whoever we are
Would have done yet
Another little bit
To make our collective reality excellent
And so we trickle home
Each one of us
Again a private person
Having served a public cause
And we continue to strive
Each one of us
To be our very best
To do our very best
To give our very best
Together
Each and every day

nargis + sichuan quake

2008-05-14T14:54:00.005+08:00

This morning at my office pantry, I saw this photo on the front page of the Straits Times. It was a man squatting by and grieving very hard, while holding onto the lifeless hand of a dead teenage student (probably his child around 14 to 15 years old) who died when the school collapsed under the 7.9 richter scale Sichuan Earthquake.

Death count soaring above 20,000 and still rising fast. A large proportion are actually kids and teens...

The news just broke my heart.

I am being placed on holding list to fly away for medical relief for Nargis. I felt for the Cyclone Nargis victims, but the way "things" progress in that country is just too slow and just simply unbelievable. After seeing that photo, my heart somehow just shifted to the cries of the quake victims. I would want to be out in Sichuan for relief work if first opportunity comes.

Lord, have mercy,
Christ, have mercy.

[exam paper 1]

Just finished one paper last night. I think it was a disaster. Should have drawn a tortise on my answer script with these three words "I'll be back".

exam

2008-04-28T00:45:00.002+08:00

Completed my last tutorial and submitted it on Thursday night. Can't say that I did well. I didn't know what I was writing about. I was already stressed out by them and the moment I hit the submit button, the burden was unloaded off my shoulders. I suspect that I'll probably need to redo the modules again even if I pass my exam papers. I don't know. I'll just have to wait and see.

Preparing exam wasn't easy. I'm only left with weekdays and pockets of saturdays to do my mugging. I can kiss my sundays goodbye because of the hospice visits. The visits are already draining enough and they did not seem to get any better. Seeds were sown and watered. And I have to let God do the rest. I'll be a liar if I say I don't feel sad when they are refusing to response to what Christ had done for them, but what else can I do, except to be there and journey with them until they depart, while still hoping that they want to receive Christ into their hearts.

I'm tired. I'm drained. Pray for me? don't think anyone will know or bother to do so. Really doesn't matter to me anymore. I've given up on that already.

There's really nothing new to journal as of now. Until I felt the need to do so, I'm going on a hiatus probably until after my exam.

burning bush

2008-04-19T21:53:00.004+08:00

Just got to know this afternoon from Nic that Uncle Jason, one of the ACGL from adult cell and Ukids leader, passed away from cancer yesterday and his son is one of our church youths. Nic shared one thing which touched me was the words Jason spoke to Nic's dad recently - "I have not done enough" - even his days were already very numbered. Wanted to drop in for the wake, but my timings were completely haywire and it's smack right at Lavender area. :(

John spoke about the burning bush during the youth service cum BB enrollment service. A common theme ran across my mind on his sermon and what nic shared - am I willing to become that bush that's consumed, refined and used by God for His purpose, to the extent such that even when I reach my last heartbeat, I am still saying "I have not done enough" in serving Him?

I don't think it will ever be enough. There's always a lot to do, but we may never finish all that God wants to do .... but if we are willing to surrender ourselves to God's consuming fire - that fire of His passion, that fury of His love - and be very focused on the His purpose, to shine forth the Light that comes from the fire that burns within us to others around us, I think whatever He has placed in our life to accomplish, will eventually be done within our own life span.

Truth be told, I've been very drained and tired. so much so that I am actually beginning to feel the strain and miss spending that pockets of personal time with God. The work, the classes, the tutorials, the coming exams, excluding youth ministry involvements and visitations to two hospices on weekends - are already draining me out for past two months. I am seriously and desperately in need of a recharge from Him. I still want to continue to be that ordinary bush that burns.

Today, I also heard that a not-so-distant nephew (a very nice chap cum playmate in my younger days) met an accident during the recent songkran festival and he is now in coma in a bangkok hospital. My really elder cousins are really in the state of desperation and loss. It's sad to hear that and I don't know how many more of such news I'll be embracing in future.

make or break

2008-04-16T09:12:00.001+08:00

Today is the day, in fact by tonight 2359hrs, I'll know if I make it or I break it. If I break it, I can forget about taking the exam in May. As of now, I have 3/4 of the work to complete and I'll have less than 12 hours to tackle after I'm out of my office at noon.

Oh wells...

Sigh .....

:|

[11.30pm at Starbucks UE Square]

I can't believe this. 3500 words essay. Just submitted it online before dateline at 2359hrs. But I'm still doubtful if I can pass this round because the work was not up to expectation and I did not submit my second tutorial.

Oh wells ... I really don't know. I'm tired now.

Another one more week to my next tutorial dateline.

river god

2008-04-15T08:21:00.004+08:00

By Nichole Nordeman from album "Wide Eyed". Another song that is very close to my heart, speaks of what I'm going through in my life, that is a prayer which I utter under my breath almost every morning on my bus journey to work.

Heavenly Dad is that river, I am that rough and grainy stone whose sharp edges are still in the process of being washed away.

********************************

Rolling River God
Little Stones are smooth
Only once the water passes through
So I am a stone
Rough and grainy still
Trying to reconcile this river's chill

But when I close my eyes
And feel you rushing by
I know that time brings change
And change takes time
And when the sunset comes
My prayer would be just this one
That you might pick me up
And notice that I am
Just a little smoother in your hand

Sometimes raging wild
Sometimes swollen high
Never have I known this river dry
The deepest part of you
Is where I want to stay
And feel the sharpest edges wash away

But when I close my eyes
And feel you rushing by
I know that time brings change
And change takes time
And when the sunset comes
My prayer would be just this one
That you might pick me up
And notice that I am
Just a little smoother in your hand

it's hard

2008-04-09T21:23:00.003+08:00

I was pondering on the words - transformation and being plowed by God. It's not easy after all. The process can be long and painful. Lots of perseverence will be needed and an open heart which is willing to be plowed and transformed.

It was a reminder for me that this will always be ongoing as long as I live.

A long long journey ahead of me until I am back to His home.

minute things + transformation

2008-04-08T22:12:00.003+08:00

Lecture finished at 9.15pm today. Drove down to Starbucks Valley Point and wanted to start typing out the transcript, but found out that I did not bring my headphones :(.
That means I had some time to do a bit of reflections. Two areas I wanted to journal and it was kind of timely.

Feb to March was a busy period for me as one of my main job scope was to prepare statistical report for year 2007. There were ready-made programs which I could use to generate the statistics and update into a ready-made excel template. However, I needed to run my self-made queries seperately to ensure my totals are in sync with the totals generated by the program. The problem surfaced. I could not tally the figures. There were a difference of 3 records between the two sets of figures. For about one and a half months, I was struggling to nail the 3 records down by running different types of reports and queries to nail down those 3. With the help of my colleague, we managed to nail down 2. But we were still short of 1. No matter how I tried to filter, I still could not pin that troublemaker. I was at my wits end. I almost pulled out all my hair. I nearly went berserk. To cut the long story short, I got the vendor to tweak the ready-made program to list down the 60,000 plus records and I would run my own 60,000 plus records so as to sift out that odd one. I found it eventually. It was unbelieveable. That record was not completely filled up but the system somehow allowed it to be created and saved. My boss and I were just appalled and amazed how that one record could hinder us from rolling out the report for other departments to use. We informed the relevant party to clean up that record and managed to roll out my full report by 31 March, which meant I met my performance target. Yup, thank God for it, really. But I wondered ... if one record could cause such a turmoil for that one month plus, then one single sin in our life, when left undetected or not confessed when prompted by God to do so, could actually wreck our whole life and our walk with God. And all the more, we need to be constantly be on check with our walk, our relationship... to be sure we are threading on the right path ... and to make it right when we have gone off course.

Siew Lee emailed her updates on her cocoon project in East Timor with Lishan. The project is progressing slowly but surely.. and God is bringing about the transformation slowly. Like how a cocoon was transformed into a butterfly. One thing struck me was what God has revealed to Siew Lee and it was about the authenticity. We may be preaching about transformation, but are we being transformed by God? not just one time but daily? And transformation may come in different forms, and one such forms is chastening by God - "No chastening seems to be joyful for the present, but painful; nevertheless, afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it" (Heb. 12:11). The transformation process may not be easy, the plowing which God is doing in our life may be hard and painful for us to bear. However, if I do not allow transformation to take place in my life daily, as what Siew Lee wrote - "Here lies the greatest danger for those in ministry! If we are not vigilant, we end up preaching a message that has no inward
reality".

I am still learning to let God transform me daily, even though it's hard to let Him do so and it's a long never-ending process.

ways to reduce stress

2008-04-08T14:49:00.002+08:00

Just received this piece of advice from Dick on how to reduce stress the Christian way. Probably it may become more stressful for me to stick to all these 36 pointers .. :P

1. Pray.
2. Go to bed on time.
3. Get up on time so you can start the day unrushed.
4. Say No to projects that won't fit into your time schedule or that will compromise your mental health.
5. Delegate tasks to capable others.
6. Simplify and unclutter your life.
7. Less is more. (Although one is often not enough, two are often too many.)
8. Allow extra time to do things and to get to places.
9. Pace yourself. Spread out big changes and difficult projects over time; don't lump the hard things all together.
10. Take one day at a time.
11. Separate worries from concerns. If a situation is a concern, find out what God would have you do and let go of the anxiety. If you can't do anything about a situation, forget it.
12. Live within your budget; don't use credit cards for ordinary purchases.
13. Have backups; an extra car key in your wallet, an extra house key buried in the garden, extra stamps, etc.
14. K.M.S. (Keep Mouth Shut). This single piece of advice can prevent an enormous amount of trouble.
15. Do something for the Kid in You everyday.
16. Carry a Bible with you to read while waiting in line.
17. Get enough rest.
18. Eat right.
19. Get organized so everything has its place.
20. Listen to a tape while driving that can help improve your quality of life.
21. Write down thoughts and inspirations.
22. Every day, find time to be alone.
23. Having problems? Talk to God on the spot. Try to nip small problems in the bud. Don't wait until it's time to go to bed to try and pray.
24. Make friends with Godly people.
25. Keep a folder of favorite scriptures on hand.
26. Remember that the shortest bridge between despair and hope is often a good 'Thank you Jesus'.
27. Laugh.
28. Laugh some more!
29. Take your work seriously, but not yourself at all.
30. Develop a forgiving attitude (most people are doing the best they can).
31. Be kind to unkind people (they probably need it the most).
32. Sit on your ego.
33. Talk less; listen more.
34. Slow down.
35. Remind yourself that you are not the general manager of the universe.
36 Every night before bed, think of one thing you're grateful for that you've never been grateful for before.

hospice visit

2008-04-06T17:41:00.003+08:00

I visited my two friends who are staying at two hospice seperately - Dover Road and Assissi for past few Sundays. Sometimes, I could feel very drained out, but I think it's worth it. I still want to see them get well, even people says the chances are slim. I still want them to be touched by God's love. I still want them to know God personally. I just want to be there as God's vessel to bring His good news to them. After what they had done for me in the past - one who helped me a lot in office work, another one who looked after me when I was very young and I was at my dad's residence, I just want to reciprocate my love to God by loving them in return and not out of obligations.

I did my interview with Leon last night at Starbucks Valley Point. The topic was his experience on his conversion and life as a Christian thereafter. Thankfully, he's an easy talker, and he shared freely. An hour of material I got and now I had to type them out into a transcript before I use it to support my last tutoral which is a 4000 word essay. And I was toying with this title for the past few days - "On the road to Dasmascus - the experience of being a converted Christian". If God would use this essay to touch the tutor or whoever marks the paper, think it's worth all the effort after all.

12.02am

2008-04-01T00:02:00.003+08:00

It's 12.02am and I'm typing this at Starbucks UE Square (not United Square). Quite a nice and quiet place with power points to charge my lappy. Moreover, Bryan has taken over the store here as the store manager, so ... can hang out here longer :P

Not that I want to hang out this late, but my broadband at home is down for a week. Don't know if it's my landline or the connection that causing the problem. Moreover, I need Internet access to search for journal articles for my last tutorial and I had to do it out of my house. Sounds kind of sad, but then again, it would probably force me to sleep early once I hit home. :)

Got to logout now.. last bus to my house is coming very soon.

Enjoy your Sydney trip, kiddo.

bye bye tutorials

2008-03-30T00:17:00.005+08:00

Need to confess that I did not manage to complete my second tutorial, for not one, but two modules. It means I blew about 17% of the marks off from each of my two modules. Whether it will disqualify me from passing the modules, I'm not sure yet. Had not been easy doing those tutorials. Time was a factor. Work was another. Trying to find time to read up, understand and analyze critically but found it hard and it was pretty discouraging enough. Perhaps, some people are smarter than I do and I won't deny that.

Got to let them go, then focus on my third tutorial. Just hope that my tutor won't give me that smirky look when I see them in class.

I had just completed my appraisal after one year of my work. My boss is serious about converting me to permenant from contract even I have yet to complete my two-year term. My DD also supported the idea. She's also thinking of doing something a bit more, but did not elaborate. She casually remarked that I can start considering this as my retirement job.

I wonder if that's what God wanted me to do. I seriously don't know, but if He says yes, then who am I to say no... but if you ask me for a choice, I want to serve Him in the fieldwork with the youths, be it full-time in church or in mission field. I just want to serve Him because I love Him and to live my life to the fullest for Him, not purely out of duty or obligations, which made it sounds very mechanical. If He wants me to stay put where I am for a period or for life, then I will do just that. Stupid it may sounds, but His ways are not my or our ways.

Sometimes, in my prepartionsm, I felt screwed up. Every now and then, I do experience failure and it can be quite hard, but somehow, I still don't want to quit ... at least not until He tells me to quit my course.

I need a short break or getaway to refocus myself. I still need to set aside my personal time with Him. I can get drained easily from so many events that come along my path.

Help....

tired

2008-03-06T22:26:00.003+08:00

workloads, lectures and turtorials and exams, ministry commitments ... coupled with trying to reach out to two people who have been close to me and are suffering with stage 4 cancers ... so much to cope, so little time.

i'm left with no more breathing space.

i'm really tired.

quick break

2008-03-03T21:50:00.003+08:00

Yes, it's a long hiatus. Work and study has never been easy, as usual. In the midst of all the madness - troubleshooting probems, preparing reports for year end closing, coping with tutorials and studies, juggling with youth ministry work, attending classes almost every night, I could sense His peace that prevails in me and did not allow me to stress more than I could bear ... and for that, I'm thankful.

Small Tan has been transferred to dover road hospice. From the eyes of the world, this means that he has less than 3 months to survive. I managed to visit him last Sunday afternoon with another ex-colleague. Took the chance to wheel him out of the room to a pond where there are koi fishes. I asked if I could pray a prayer of blessing for him, and he agreed without hesitation. This was the second time - the first was when I saw him in SGH just after CNY and one day before he was transferred to the hospice. I prayed for His healing touch in him and His love to overflow, and I could see that he was welling up and holding all back. Not sure what went through his mind - was it God's loving touch that moved him? or was it his despair because he knew he had not many days left and he knew that we knew that reality too? I could see that he was holding back his pain and suffering, and not wanting anyone to worry or concern. When we wheeled him back to the room, he vomitted his lunch which did not digeest. Small Tan has all along been a very tough and hardy person, and he still is, in terms of fighting his battle and coping with it. I know I am facing the reality that he may not live long, but I do know this - if Jesus can resurrect the dead, He can still bring Small Tan to complete healing. The only thing I can do is pray, and continue to find windows of opportunities to minister to him and introduce him to Christ, and then let God handle the rest. At the end of it all, God is still soveriegn and in control.

Incidentally, another close family friend is also suffering from cancer stage 4 and I still have yet to find time to visit her in SGH. Sigh ....

new year rant

2008-01-08T23:30:00.000+08:00

First entry for the year 2008 !!! ... and it's written 8 days later. Just got home from meeting my old kakis from the airport, so I'm just going to do a quick one.

SMALL TAN

Small Tan has lost weight, looked more tired and weaker. I was quite sad when I met him at the clubhouse in Terminal 2 this evening (though I didn't show it). I guessed that the cancer thing has really caught up with him, and he's into stage 4 now. Renee, my church mate cum ex-airport colleague recently told me that he had a "bad impression" of the church after his friend brought him to a church in paya lebar for healing rally, claiming that the healings and testimonies were all coerced. In that sense, he may be resistant in attending my church's healing service at the end of the month. Nonetheless, I'm going to leave it to God to open his heart while I just try to invite him to come, even if it means driving him down from bedok north to queenstown. There's still one more thing I can do - pray, and surrender him into the Father's hands.

Popped over to Terminal 3 too. Lots of activities going on because it was less than 24 hours from being fully operational. Some ex-colleagues I knew are working overnight to do final checks ... some are reporting work at 5am on wednesday morning. I think ming sue will be there over the night since he's the man overseeing the T3 project.

YOUTH THINGY STUFF

I'm now a supervisor intern, learning to look after three cells (four cells in six months time) within the cluster I'm assigned to. You think the name sounds nice? To me, technically, that name smells like more responsibilities on my shoulders. So far, i think it's still not so bad because I'm still overseeing my old cell group though I'm not leading them as a cell leader anymore. Given the choice, I would like to join the senior citizens from the chinatown sunshine band (I coin that term myself for the dialect ministry from the chinese church, ok?), humming all the cantonese or hokkien songs on the cosy saturday afternoons, right into my golden years. I guessed Pa has shut that door for me.

COURSES

Classes are starting from this week onwards. Will be very challenging because I literally have no more free evenings for the next 4 to 5 months, thanks to all the lectures and tutorials.

WEIGHT

Oh no ... I'm officially 87kg. I was on the bathroom scale at the gym's changing room and I almost freaked out when that number just hit at me from the display screen. I remembered this joke from menon regarding a wife told her husband that she would like have an item which can travel from 0 to 100 in 4 seconds for her birthday. She thought she would get a lamborghini. He got her a weighing machine instead.

That also reminds me of this corny song which I happened to hear it when watching a taiwanese programme on the cable late at night recently .... just try and sing it to the tune of 甜蜜蜜 by 邓丽君:

油腻腻
你全身油腻腻
走路的时候油会一直滴
我跌到爬不起

:P

how can i ...

2007-12-30T23:29:00.000+08:00

while (cow <> come home)
{ sing "How can I keep from singing Your praise";
sing "How can I ever say enough";
sing "How amazing is Your love";
sing "How can I keep from shouting Your name";
sing "I know I am loved by the King";
sing "And it makes my heart want to sing";
}

That song had been playing in my head for the past week as my personal thanksgiving, that was even before I realized that coos youth service was using it as the thanksgiving song for the year 2007 ...

And right till this moment, it is still playing non-stop in my head.

I think I'm going nuts! ... and for that, thank Yooooou ... and it makes my heart want to ... how can I keep from singing Your praise ....

undeserving

2007-12-23T15:23:00.000+08:00

Really, I don't deserve this. My heart nearly skipped a beat when I looked at my results via the portal.

I knew I did not have much time to prepare and I could only tackle about 3.5 questions out of 5. I thought I would just give it up first, and try again next year ... but I decided to give it a shot, as it was still better than not trying to scribble something at all, and to offer the best I could to Him.

The results came out on Friday 2pm. But I didn't have time to look at it as I was already on my way to Pasir Ris for cell chalet with my kids who ran most of the show and waking up most of the neighbourhood in the middle of the nights. I just remembered when I'm doing some reading for my essay at starbucks valleypoint. I was expecting a D or D- or worse. I got B- instead.

His love and faithfulness never fails.

What else can I say, except thank You, Dad .. :)

thank you .. part 4!

2007-12-20T11:12:00.000+08:00

To ah galv, ah ray, mattyflower, char, jq - thank you people :), I knew this would happen somehow ... already smelled it evolving when ah galv first suggested meeting up for dinner gathering. From the bottom of my heart, thank you all once again :). One thing for sure, we must still meet during CNY for the ORH-NEEEE and the MEE SIAM!!!! :P

Ah Ray popped this question on the events or things which I can thank God for in 2007. I had to pause a bit because there's so much to give thanks to God for but didn't know how to start. They are not all the big life-changing events, but many are the small little things that came across my path. Getting myself back to full-time work so as to jog my brain is one of them, having a bunch of colourful colleagues and my direct boss who is so motherly is another, not crashing into any cars or pedestrian or having another vehicle bump into me whenever I'm driving is also another one, seeing all the youths I know who are growing up physically and spiritually is something I also want to thank Him for, seeing Keagan's hands actually grew in length before my eyes after he was been prayed for by the visiting speaker/pastor, receiving notes of encouragements thru smses ... they were just some of the things I want to thank God for ... and many many more. It's just undescrible.

And no, I have not forgotten to thank God for you all - ah galv, ah ray, mattyflower, char, jq. Our friendship has never been by chance, but it's really by His divine appointment and grace. That's one of the things I can thank God for, not just 2007 but the rest of my life. :)

Last but not least, thank You ... You made the greatest impact in my life. :)

thank you - part 3

2007-12-16T00:31:00.000+08:00

to grace yang - thank you for maintaining contact even our last trip to east timor was two years ago. You still "remembered" my hatchday :) ... I'll let you know when my church is organizing additional trips back there next year and see if you are keen to join in. By the way, please don't peep into the UniSIM exam system and tell me how I've failed miserably on my module.

to all my kids from the sec 1/sec 2 cell group - eh, you really don't have to sing the song in the auditorium after the service ... but still, thank you very much from the bottom of my heart. I'll miss you all for sure, but let's have a good time when we gather for our cell chalet session from next Friday to Sunday. ok? :)

thank you ... part 2

2007-12-13T00:33:00.000+08:00

rachel chia and gibson - tks .. not late at all :)

364 days to another annual increment of one in age, but time flies ... so that's bad enough.

thank you

2007-12-11T23:54:00.000+08:00

Ok, You won. You proved me wrong ... :)

It's past midnight now and one day has passed ... Thank you, thank you, thank you to all my fellow friends (in no particular chronological order)
- ernie lee (coos youth)
- gideon chew (coos youth) : thank you for your affirmation, means a lot to me, take care of yourself when u r in thailand, ok? :)
- michelle (coos youth)
- grace ong (coos youth)
- simon (coos youth)
- siew lee and lishan (coos): hey, thank you for the photo greeting all the way from Dili, East Timor. Reached my mailbox on time too. My heart is stirred once again :)
- daniel lee (coos)
- chui lee (coos)
- gary leong
- foong yin : you got your coffee treat fulfilled hor :)
- edlyn (mmccl) : i think i have yet to help you deco up mmccl for xmas hor :P
- hock soon and kim hong (dsta) : thankeww for the dinner :)
- jane goh (dsta)
- karoline (dsta)

... finally, thank You. :)

Hmmm, how did you guys sniff out my birth date ah?

41 years

2007-12-10T21:57:00.000+08:00

Spent part of my evening alone by the bank of Singapore River doing some reflections.

41 years has passed. I can feel drained and tired. I find myself quite unteachable at times, blow up easily when provoked, hard to open up or to share my thoughts with others even I wanted to be open. I want to love others the way God loves them, but sometimes I just don't know how to do it. Sometimes, I don't think I know myself anymore or why I'm here at all. On the outside, I may look ok, but inside me, I'm just as human, lonely, fragile and emotional, longing to love and to be loved too, but do not want to be hurt. Sometimes, I just don't know what to do anymore.

I still want a change within me, a change to be fruitful, to love Him as best as I can though I cannot outcome His gift of love. Let the rest of my life be fruitful and not wasted.

Dad, please continue to show me how.

And I don’t even know who I am anymore.
God I’m praying through the tears,
Let me make up all these years.
Oh have I waited too long?
Can I start again?
To be the man You’ve wanted of me.
I’m begging You to show me,
But do You even know me anymore?

parting shot

2007-12-10T00:24:00.000+08:00

Almost all turned up for cell and we managed to have this photo shoot. They were like my sons and daughters (including my assistants too). I'll miss them all after the end of this year. My assistants will take over as full-fledged cell leadership from me. Though there's a transition period of three months, I think the feelings may just be different. At least I think they are glad that they don't have to listen to this naggy old man anymore.

Time to retire or time to take on higher challenge?

xmas gathering of my juniors

2007-12-08T01:42:00.001+08:00

Not all were able to come for this almost-all-guys night's outing but still it was quite a good turnout, chionging buffet spread and talking all kind of rocks around the table until past midnight. Once my juniors, now all-grown-up ... gavin is a father-to-be working as a horizon scanner, dehui (soon to be married) and furball are doctors, dexiong earning big bucks, callan's still working as a guardian in the network security, garreth is earning big bucks as a fund manager ... and I'm still washing floor, washing toilet bowls.

But it was an honour to see them through the process of growing up, and though I don't see them often nowadays, I can still say that I'm proud of them all ... :)

And I'm reminded again that I'm not getting younger any more ...

terminal 3

2007-12-08T01:35:00.000+08:00

Finally, had the opportunity to tour around Terminal 3 during its open house with my bunch of colleagues on Thursday afternoon.

Overall, it has that metallic feel, but it's a beauty alright.

endurance

2007-12-02T22:32:00.000+08:00

Now, I am really truly zombified now after surviving more than 36 hours without sleep. At my age, it's a real challenge to stay awake. But after I take a bath, I should zonk out on my bed.

But talking about these marathon runners, I see them having lots of endurance in trying to finish the race which they signed up for. Sounds so much like 2 Tim 4:7.

Anyway, to my fellow buddies and comrades from zone 3 and the responder unit (I know some of you have managed to find my blog), it's been a real pleasure and honor in meeting up with you and joining you in this medical coverage .... and please don't ask me to drive that alpha 5791 again :P.

legacy

2007-12-01T00:41:00.000+08:00

Yesterday was the day that the five rowers were cremated. According to news, more than a thousand people turned up. I believed the emotions in the air were high, many heartaches and hardly a dried eye. Many eulogies have labelled them as filial sons, role models, fighters with a never-say-die attitude. They died for their love and passion as dragon-boat rowers and with a fighting spirit. This has inspired other sportsmen to do likewise. In their own life, they pursued their other passions - for Reuben, he composed his own music and they were really beautiful written. Many artistes in the arts and music industry also mourned the loss. For Stephen, it was about grooming the youths in the schools he taught, empowering them and giving them hope - his testimonies could be seen through the praises from his students and how they tried to cope to contain their grief but some just broke down.

The five rowers had left their own legacies which inspired many others to follow and uphold.

It's sad. But life must go on and people must still press on to live their life to the fullest.

I was and still am deeply saddened by the loss, but l am very inspired by them. What I envy most about them is that they got to accomplish many things they wanted to achieve or do in their short lifetime, as compared to the little I did after all these years.

Just this evening, I was reading this article by Joe Stowell in "Strength For The Journey". It's about leaving a legacy and I loved how he wrote it:

Do you ever wonder what kind of legacy you’ll leave behind?

I remember an older gentleman from one of the churches I pastored. He was the epitome of grace toward others; and he was deeply loved by his wife, his daughters, and his sons-in-law. In fact, his sons-in-law kneeled by his bed as he died. Afterward, one of his daughters wrote me a letter. At the end of the note, she concluded with these powerful words: “Our world has lost a righteous man, and in this world, that’s no small thing.”

I love the legacy expressed in those simple words from the pen of an admiring daughter. It reminds me of the heart of Paul as he wrote to his friend Timothy. Paul had expended himself in the service of Christ and had a keen sense that he was nearing the end of his life. We know from his writings to other churches that he was not afraid of death. In fact, he clearly stated that if he were absent from the body, he would be present with the Lord (1 Corinthians 5:3). The resurrection had defeated the sting of death (15:55), and Paul couldn’t wait to meet his Savior.

As Paul pondered the end of his life, he made three very simple statements about his legacy. He had “fought the good fight”—standing firm as a spiritual warrior, clothed in the armor of God, faithfully defending the truth of the gospel. He had “finished the race”—ensuring in the process that he was neither disqualified nor disheartened in the marathon of life and ministry. Most importantly, he had “kept the faith” —remaining true, committed, and loyal to the One who rescued him from sin and darkness.

Notice that Paul’s brief statements here say nothing about the education he had received, the places he had traveled, the letters he had written, the people he had preached to, or the churches he had planted. He flat out wanted his legacy to be labeled as “faithful.” I love that! It’s what I want to aspire to as a follower of Jesus.

So, I have to ask myself, “If that’s the kind of legacy I want to leave, how would I pursue it today?” Well, it means that my choices need to be more about “fighting the good fight.” I need to put on the spiritual armor each morning, as Paul told the Ephesians to do, and live to be victorious in all that comes my way. I need to be running the race to win, putting off all that hinders and the sins that entangle (Hebrews 12:1). And, it means that in every situation I want my attitudes, my words, and my actions to be loyal and true to Jesus.

As Paul told the Philippians, “Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus” (3:13-14). There’s no better time than the start of this New Year to set our sights on new goals that will, over time, develop a legacy worth leaving.

Building a legacy worth leaving behind begins today and is made one decision at a time. Live this year to hear Jesus say, “Well done, good and faithful servant.” In my book, that’s a legacy worth living for!

What legacy you would like to leave? How does that compare to Paul’s desired legacy expressed in 2 Timothy 4?

What type of legacy will the current choices and priorities of your life lead to? Are there some changes that need to take place today to move you back toward a legacy of faithful service to Christ?

I don't know when I'll leave this world, I may not have much time left though ... but while I'm still alive, I might as well learn to leave a legacy before I depart quietly from here ... a legacy not filled with all my personal achievements, my glory and honour because I don't deserve them at all ... but a legacy completely like Paul's, which sums up pretty nicely in Rich Mullins' words (I know I have written these quite a number of times in my journal) - if my life is motivated by my ambition to leave a legacy, what I'll probably leave as a legacy is ambition. But if my life is motivated by the power of the Spirit in me - if I live with the awareness of the indwelling Christ, if I allow His presence to guide my actions, to guide my motives, those sorts of things. That's the only time that I think we really leave a great legacy.

grieved

2007-11-25T14:16:00.001+08:00

been following on the news of the missing five singaporeans during the dragon boat race in phnom penh. the worst fear has been confirmed. I don't know them personally, but I could just feel the sadness and grief coming over me... and I sensed that Heavenly Dad also felt the same. They passed on at such young age where their dreams could just be waiting for them, but more crucial is whether they had crossed over to the side of the Heavenly Dad, I'm not sure.

One thing for sure and I'm once again reminded ... death is no respecter of your age, your strength your hopes and your dreams. It will come when you least suspect it. Are you prepared live your life to the fullest as if today is your last day? Do you know where will you go after that? Are you very sure that you will go to heaven? For those who aren't sure, think about it ... seriously.

mixed thoughts

2007-11-25T00:38:00.000+08:00

Attended my niece's wedding this evening. They were already married in US three months ago and they traveled 8000 miles back to Singapore to share their joy with the rest of the families and friends. Most of my elder siblings and their kids (aka my nephews and nieces) were there. It was a time to rekindle the ties with my siblings, but I felt like an uncle who has never existed in the lives of my nephews and nieces .... more like someone who just passes by your life and that's it. Well, you can say that I'm to be blamed for it and I have to bear the consequences. For now, I just really don't know what to do anymore ... perhaps, there's really nothing I can do.

To Jo - I don't think you would ever see this ... and probably you may not know that I exist from your mom's family line ... congratulations and may you and Mike continue to dwell in His love as both of you embark on a new phase of life together. :)

over

2007-11-22T23:29:00.000+08:00

yes, by around 12.15pm or so, my second uncle's coffin was transported into the furnace in bright hill temple. been a long day for me, so after lunch and sending my mom back, I decided to pop over to palawan beach for a quick getaway and recharge.

met my few of my elder siblings on tuesday night and this morning. it was nice to catch up with them a bit but then, it comes the same old questions as usual - when I'm getting married. I smiled back at them and they got the hint, but they still persisted in hurrying me to get one. talked to one of my bro-in-law and sister and asked them about my three nephews - but they didn't know I was already reading their lao er's (ernest) blog regularly ... hahaha. also heard from my dad/2nd uncle's old family friend that my eldest sis was in town, but she did not make any announcements on her arrival at all ... that means, my elder siblings didn't know it at all ... and my niece isn't coming back to attend due to some past arguments ... and my 2nd bro could not come back this time round.

interesting ... ever since dad's passing, the only time we get to meet up is either one of these occasions - bump into each other on the streets, during a funeral wake of one of the family members or relatives, or the wedding dinner of their kids. I won't mind keeping in touch - ultimately, they are still my elder siblings, and in that sense, we are still one big family ... but I don't want to meddle into the family affairs, especially on maintaining the family business which my dad and my 2nd uncle had started and built up many years back. In a way, I am thankful that I remain as a public servant. I shan't write any more about my family stuff ...

this sat's my niece wedding (they were already married in US, and they are back here for the ceremonial part). I think I'm going to hear more of that pesky question over the dinner table.

2nd uncle

2007-11-19T16:02:00.000+08:00

My second uncle just passed away from this world on 18 Nov ... and I only got to know it through the obiturary. And no, he's not saved yet.

Kind of regretful because I've not been a good nephew to him, considering that I've only visited him when he was warded to hospital due to stroke, ever since dad passed away 6 years ago. Nothing against him, really. He's a good uncle. I love him as much as I love my dad. Just that there are other "factors" bugging me all these years ...
Maybe it's a blessing in disguise that I remained in public sector and not engaged myself into business.

I'll be attending the wake on Tuesday night, then take my day-off in lieu on Thursday to attend the cremation ... which also means, I won't have enough leave to attend youth leaders advance in december (hooray?)..

I know I shall once again bump into my cousins, nephews, nieces ... and my elder siblings too, after not seeing them for eons. Perhaps, it's time to have some degree of bonding again ... I won't know, God knows.

post exam ranting

2007-11-16T00:48:00.000+08:00

After stressing for one week, with a very numbed brain and a number of random diarrhea, I finished my three hour struggle in the exam hall on Tuesday night. Can't comment on this module but at least I can say it's over .... for now. Terence, the former NSF from my ex-office, who quitted his job and currently studying Finance on a full-time capacity in the same campus, humored me over the dinner table that evening, "my lecturer told us that if you can't answer the questions during the exam, just write these words in your answer script - I'LL BE BACK". I was very tempted to write those words on my exam script. When he sms-ed on how I did for my paper, I replied him back with those three words. :P. For the first time, the three-hours felt like three years. I spotted the wrong chapters for my exam, and I had to sacrifice one question. Oh well ... I guess I'll be back after all.

Next semester will be a killer. I'm going full force. Two examinable modules at one go. I thought I might as well quickly finish up, rather than stretching it too long and in the process, killing the interest in me. Then again, I'm facing a very high potential of increasing overtime in my workplace ... and a highly possibility in the increased responsibilities in the youth ministry. Thought I can join the chinatown swing singers (aka the elderly uncles and aunties from the dialect group) after my assistants have become full-fledged cell leaders and taken over the cell from me. Can't say anything for now ... but one thing for sure, I'll be left with zero free-time if these happen. For now, I need to spend a time of solitude with Him first ... and I mean real solitude.

Bumped into Kel, my ex-colleague at the campus lift lobby just 30 minutes before the paper. Got to know that another ex-colleague whom I have worked with, passed away from this world due to cancer relapse ... he was 30 years old but yet to receive the Lord ... all I knew at that time was that there's nothing else I could do.

Hooray, the Alexandra Canal Linear Park is finally opened, starting from just right below my block up all the way to Queenstown MRT. At least, I can have another stretch to walk at night, coupled with my reflections and a quiet time with Him, before I hit home.

Two days after my paper ... and I can still feel that numbness in my brain .. sigh, lots of things and issues still going through my mind now.. shall journal that down when appropriate.

stressed

2007-11-11T21:35:00.001+08:00

oh no, it's the time of the year ... and I'm stressed once again !!!!

ARRGGHHHHHH!

till we meet again ...

2007-10-28T23:21:00.000+08:00

That 14 Oct afternoon was my first and last time meeting David Liao in his room where we had a 30-minutes praise and worship session. On 27 Oct, he has gone home to teh Lord. I could not attend the night services on sat and sun evenings, but I was thankful for the privilege to have spent that 30 minutes with him, together with a bunch of other bros and sis in Christ, on that sunday afternoon.

Seriously, I wished he didn't have to go through this pain and die so young, I wished I could take his place ... but I guess only God holds the answers to the question "why". At least, I know he is back in His house, and he is free from the pains and sufferings of this world.

Perhaps when we meet again, we shall worship Pa together with all your loved ones in His presence.

"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." Lamentation 3:22-23

the last tutorial

2007-10-23T22:30:00.000+08:00

Hooray! Managed to finish and submit the 2000-word essay for my third and last tutorial for this module "Exploring Psychology 2".

Next in line, my exam for this module !

RAWRRRRRRR ! :|

zonk out

2007-10-17T22:04:00.000+08:00

Feeling like zonking out anytime, but still have to finish the critical review of a research paper on critical incident stress debriefing. Moreover, I have to wake up at 4.30am to send my mom off to airport. She will be away for about 8 days with her kakis from st john chapel to east asia. Once again, if you are willing, just pray for journey mercy, Pa's protection on every team member to keep them safe and healthy.

I'm starting to play christmas jingles on my mp3 player ... christmas seems to have started pretty early for me.

Seriously, times really flies ... I can feel it, more so when my exam is akan datang in less than one month time.... O_O

How I wish I could have 48 hours a day.

david

2007-10-14T16:11:00.001+08:00

Ezra, me with some of the cell kids just returned from a praise and worship session on this warm sunday afternoon. It was quite a last minute thing ... less than 24 hours notice, in that sense. Took up the praise and worship role, but as usual, my fingers felt like the jelly fish ... perhaps I've not done worship leading for sometime, thus fumbled quite a bit. The prepartion took me into wee hours of Sunday morning. But the session lasted for only 30 minutes which started about 2.30pm and ended at about 3pm. It's very short. To some, they may not feel anything, especially when it's up at CCK.

To David, it probably means a lot to him. It may just be his first and last time to have this fellowship, for we do not know if he is going to live to see the sunrise of next weekend. You see, David is 21 years old, former neighbourhood school kid and HCI student, suffering from stomach cancer terminal stage and his days are numbered. He returned home yesterday from the hospice ... think he wanted to depart from this world in his own home, rather than to be in the hospice. We know that God is the ultimate healer and He can heal, but we also surrendered David into His hands, trusting in His mercy and love that all things will work for the good to those who loves Him.

To Ezra, it means a lot to him when we showed up to support. I think David was his sunday school kid some years ago and there's this godpa-godson relationship being built through this years. I have no doubt that it hurts him as if David is his own flesh-and-blood, probably having seen David grew up in sunday school.

I'm not sure what it means to the kids (jemina, brenda, nicholas ... and "i-can't-remember-the-other-chaps'-name" from Ezra's cell. I hope that it would mean something to them, something which they have done that glorified and honoured God just being there with David.

I felt sad. I wish that the elders don't have to bid the youths or young ones farewell in this manner. I always feel that the youths have a lot more to contribute to the society and to shine for Jesus in their generation. It actually hurts me when I read or hear news about this. I would feel the same if anything happens to my cell kids or kakis. Maybe that's why people says that love hurts, especially when there's a loss. But I learned one thing, even there's some inconvenience, there's some sacrifice to be made (such as my study time), even if it means loosing some sleep to prepare the songs ... when we know that it's a call from God to do it, we feel it and we step out of our comfort zone and in love and obedience, we respond to Him by offering our five loaves and two fishes, even if it means to be there for someone who is in need for just that few minutes, I believe God will use us to His glory and honour.

I think there's a fine line to be drawn. What if you want to go but due to some reasons, you really can't though you want to be there ...? To me, my answer is - God sees your heart and I believe He understands. I think it's a good reminder that we are imperfect, volatile and not superman from the planet krypton ... and all the more, we have to recogise that God is still in control and His words spoken will not return to him null and void. There's no condemnation at all, and His love for you will not be any less. :)

Hmm, if I were to leave this world one day, I think I'll probably leave quietly without anyone knowing my disappearance.

faithfulness

2007-10-07T18:15:00.000+08:00

I personally find it hard to journal. I don't want to write mundane routine stuff which is as good as I don't even do it at all. Maybe because my england ain't that powderful ... maybe it is because I don't really know how to articulate well in written and verbal as I have an introverted nature ... maybe I have always been keeping to myself that I have already quietly faded away from the surface of this earth and it won't make a difference if I were to share my thoughts .... maybe it's the revelations of the goliaths within me - such as, my sense of self worth and identity, inferiority, etc - that has made me wonder what to write or whether to write because I'll become extremely vulnerable. But I'll try ... ok, so shoot me if you want to.

For some months, I was thinking that this year might be my last year with my cell kids ... or as a matter of fact, with the youth ministry. I love my cell kids, I love my assistants and they are a bunch of wonderful people if you look beyond their weaknesses and all. I enjoy the fellowship with them, but there are times where I felt that I've not done enough ... things which I ought to have done it but I didn't or vice versa. There are times I felt that generation gap ... they can be my kids as in my sons and daughters ... even my assistants too. And to understand them without any judgemental attitude and to learn to communicate with them have also become a constant challenge. There are times I felt like an naggy old man, which I would probably them of their parents, and that was one of the last thing I want to do. To sum up all these wordiness, I felt ineffective at times and I felt that the younger youth leaders would be able to do a better job in connecting and inspiring the youths more ... and that means I can actually retire and join the chinatown swing singers fellowship group (I coin that term myself actually) where all the senior citizens would sing to their hearts out in one of the rooms on a Saturday afternoon. You can say that I don't see myself of being useful in the ministry ... but somehow, I wanted to but I don't feel that prompting to say goodbye ... I don't sense God telling me to move out.

Three days ago, Li Shan sent me her updates from Dili ... along with the hyperlink to Siew Lee's blog. Lishan and Siew Lee can write. They write well. Siew Lee used to work in Mediacorp and now she decides to serve full-time for the next few years, going to where God wanted her to be. Lishan did not become a teacher but was given an open door to serve in the mission field. I was moved by their updates and sharing ... despite the road being filled with challanges and uncertainties, though they do not know what will happen, they still cling on to what God has placed in their hearts and remained faithful to that calling. Two nights ago, beeling dropped me a "surprise" email .... just to thank me for being part of the team ... for watching over Arie and Nicholas ... even the trip was almost two years ago. One thing that struck me was that whenever she reviewed those photos and video, she saw God's fingerprints all over them ... and as I watched the video last night, I was reminded of Matthew 25:35-40. It tugged my heart again very strongly and I was holding it all my emotions back.

Today, Ps Michael Ross Watson's message was centered on faithfulness and those few verses surfaced again. But the whole message was about remaining faithful to the end. It was about remaining faithful even we couldn't see what's ahead of us, when we could not even measure the end results with the Singaporean yardstick, even if it means we don't not see the results in our lifetime. It was about remaining faithful in using our gifts which God gave to us, no matter how small or insignificant it might look, and use it to touch lives and for His glory.

And I think that Pa is trying to tell me to stay put, for now .... to continue to remain faithful until He points me to other areas to serve or calls me home. Help me look beyond my weaknesses and teach me to remain faithful. Help me to look beyond myself and press on in loving and serve others, the same way God loves and without inhibitions and fears in my heart. It won't be easy, but I just got to do it.

I don't want glory and honour. I don't deserve it. But all I want and hope to hear at the end of my journey are these words from Pa - "well done, good and faithful servant".

bits and pieces - 30 sep 2007

2007-09-30T16:43:00.000+08:00

Resting in Starbucks Valley Point to "rest and recover" after dropping some of my cell kids off. They were helping in the Urban Kidz programme today while I was attending the 10.30am healing service in the Sanctuary. I was once again overwhelmed by the sermon and how the Lord moved in our midst and healed many broken hearts. Ps Michael Ross Watson spoke at the healing service for the first time even though he and his wife who were missionaries to Indonesia and have visited coos for past 24 years and preached in many normal services before. To us, they are part of coos big family. Last week, when we heard that he was going through radiotherapy for his cancer treatment in Singapore, our hearts sank. But what inspired me and probably other members of the congregation was that he still spoke last weekend while struggling with some pain in him ... this healing service weekend too (and he went around to pray for the sick) ... and the following weekend to come too. If I may also agree with what Ps Michael has said, God has used his illness to speak to him, to teach him something, and use it for His glory by reaching out to the lost who needed hope.

Once again, I saw Ps Michael's love for God, his ruthless trust in the Heavenly Father ... the joy in loving and serving others despite his own health problems ... his hunger in reaching out to the lost like a big papa bear wanting to shower them with lots of love and hugs ... his faith of walking through this journey no matter how tough it may be ... and that even made me even want to learn to do the same.

Don't give up ....

(prayer partners wanted)

My mom will be off on a mission trip to East Asia from 18 Oct for about 1 week, along with St John Chapel. Once again, Rev Barry has "arrowed" Serene to look after my mom during the whole trip. The trip is to visit orphanages and to touch the hearts of the children and youths who have been abandoned by their parents or whose parents had left this world ... and the pastors sensed that not only God is going to use them mightily in His works, but spiritual warfare is on the rise. As for my mom, this may be her first and last trip she would get to go due to her age. I covet your prayers are very very much appreciated, not just for my mom but for everyone in the team .... for their safety, for lives to be touched If you are keen to partner with me, please let me know who you are, via either email or the comment box below ... and I'll update you when I have news.

(japan trip part 3)

I don't know when I'll be going back there for the third time ... but I'm already eyeing at some possible places to visit and to stay too ... If possible, I hope it's end nov in 2008 or 2009. In terms of pure holiday and fun, I still love the land of the rising sun more than any countries.

10 years passed ...

2007-09-20T21:13:00.001+08:00

... and I am still amazed at how Rich wrote his songs which no Christian song writers could match,
... and I am still awed by how his songs could transcend over time and still touch many lives, including mines,
... and I am inspired by his grasp on the hugh love of God of grace, his ruthless trust and confidence in walking with Him,
... and I'm still living and learning to leave a legacy the way Rich said, "if my life is motivated by my ambition to leave a legacy, what I'll probably leave as a legacy is ambition. But if my life is motivated by the power of the spirit in me - if I live with the awareness of the indwelling Christ, if I allow his presence to guide my actions, to guide my motives, those sorts of things. That's the only time that I think we really leave a great legacy."

Thank you, Rich!

Thank You for placing Rich Mullins in our lives, Dad!

the fern and the bamboo

2007-09-16T18:16:00.000+08:00

An inspiring article about a person's encouter with God during trail time ... be blessed.

One day I decided to quit.... I quit my job, my relationship, my spirituality..... I wanted to quit my life.

I went to the woods to have one last talk with God. "God", I said. "Can you give me one good reason not to quit?" His answer surprised me..."Look around", He said. "Do you see the fern and the bamboo?" "Yes", I replied."When I planted the fern and the bamboo seeds, I took very good care of them. I gave them light. I gave them water.

The fern quickly grew from the earth. Its brilliant green covered the floor. Yet nothing came from the bamboo seed. But I did not quit on the bamboo. In the second year the Fern grew more vibrant and plentiful. And again, nothing came from the bamboo seed. But I did not quit on the bamboo". He said. "In the third year, there was still nothing from the bamboo seed. But I would not quit.

In the fourth year, again, there was nothing from the bamboo seed. I would not quit."He said. "Then in the fifth year a tiny sprout emerged from the earth. Compared to the fern it was seemingly small and insignificant. But just 6 months later the bamboo rose to over 100 feet tall.

It had spent the five years growing roots. Those roots made it strong and gave it what it needed to survive. I would not give any of my creations a challenge it could not handle." He said to me. "Did you know, my child, that all this time you have been struggling, you have actually been growing roots. I would not quit on the bamboo. I will never quit on you.

"Don't compare yourself to others." He said. "The bamboo had a different purpose than the fern, yet, they both make the forest beautiful.""Your time will come, "God said to me. " You will rise high!" "How high should I rise?" I asked. "How high will the bamboo rise?" He asked in return."As high as it can?" I questioned."Yes." He said, "Give me glory by rising as high as you can."

I left the forest and brought back this story. I hope these words can help you see that God will never give up on you........

Never regret a day in your life.
Good days give you Happiness.
Bad days give you Experiences.
Both are essential to life.Keep going...
Happiness keeps you Sweet,
Trials keep you Strong,
Sorrows keep you Human,
Failures keep you Humble,
Success keeps You Glowing,
But Only God keeps You Going!

on my way

2007-09-09T02:05:00.000+08:00

(by Corrinne May, from Beautiful Seed album)

The first time I heard this song from the CD, it got me on my knees and wanting to sing this to Pa because those were the exact content which I wanted to tell Him ... telling Him that I'm still on my way even if the journey may be tiring and painful. And every time I hear this from my MP3 player or CD in the car, I would just hum this along, just to tell Him that I'm still on my way.

Please don't give up on me .... please don't.

Of course, have to replace the word "girl" to "guy" in the lyrics for my case.

I'm far away from what I've known
And there's static on the radio
Just a girl in a car on a lonely highway
I've been up and down this winding road
It's getting dark, the stores are closed
The map is wrinkled,
My coffee's turned to grey

But I'm on my way,
I'm on my way
There seems to be no end in sight,
But I know I'll be alright
'Cos I'm on my way,
I'm on my way
Sweet embrace
I'm on my way

So many beat-up cars on this dirt road
I see them sputter and start to choke,
How many miles must I go
Till I rest in Your grace
I feel like giving up and letting go
Let the world invade my mind, my soul
Will this road make me,
A sinner or a saint

But I'm on my way,
I'm on my way
There seems to be no end in sight
But I know I'll be alright
'Cos I'm on my way
I'm on my way
Don't give up on me
I'm on my way

I can picture Your smiling face
Your arms stretched to hold me
Waiting there by the gate
And if I ever get lost
I know that You'll find me
There's a cross on a hill saying
"Do not be afraid."
(I'm on my way)

I'm on my way (I'm on my way)
If I keep you in my sight
I know I'll be alright

'Cos I'm on my way,
I'm on my way
There seems to be no end in sight
But I know I'll be alright
'Cos I'm on my way
I'm on my way
Don't give up on me
I'm on my way
I'm on my way

one down ...

2007-09-03T22:03:00.000+08:00

Took half day leave in the afternoon to clear one of my three outstanding essays. As of now, one down (the UniSIM one) ... which is in time of today's extended dateline.

Two more to clear before this week ends ... AHHHHHHHH!!!!

sunday in sim

2007-09-02T12:26:00.000+08:00

Spending my sunday in SIM to rush out my assignment. I thought it would be closed, but I decided to drop by to check it out and found that it's actually opened. It's pretty quiet and very very few students are here to mug. I guess why it is opened today is because of the UniSIM convocation over the next few days that the contractors are busy setting up the stages and tables for the graduating students. I was reminded of last years convocation when a graduating student from psychology course told me these three words - Don't Give Up.

I know I cannot so sure of my own future as to whether I will make it to my graduation. I know it's hard to nudge myself onwards. It will be rough and tough ... and all the more, I need His grace, strength and wisdom to walk with me through this phase of my life journey.

I don't know if I will don the graduation gown with the square hat on my head eventually. But I know I cannot afford to give up. I will have to do whatever I can and do my best ... and leave the final outcome in His hands.

Will you travel and nudge me along this journey of mine?

Back to assignment ...

still busy

2007-09-01T22:17:00.001+08:00

Still pretty busy these few weeks, trying to rush out my assignments ... guess it comes with the package if I were to pursue my studies.

Nearly fainted this morning in SGH Haemo Center this morning ... thankfully, I managed to sit down on a sofa in time and really took a few hours to recover. Missed my vocal primer class, but made it for cell session as I was supposed to be do sharing. Sign of old age, I guess ... oh well ... thank You :)

I will sing forever,
Jesus I love you,
Jesus I love you

Another Rich Mullins' video ... 6 weeks before he died ...

Be blessed ...

hello

2007-08-26T00:53:00.000+08:00

been wee bit busy lately ... anybody popped by so far?

Rich Mullins ... even 10 years after he has returned home to the Lord, his songs still amazes and touches my heart till this day.

As Rags wrote in his journal -

“….And I’ve seen by the highways on a million exit ramps
Those two-legged memorials to the laws of happenstance
Waiting for four-wheeled messiahs to take them home again
But I am home anywhere if You are where I am.”

Yes, and the Holy King of Israel loves me here in Singapore and you too wherever you are.

Enjoy ...

secret place

2007-07-03T23:07:00.000+08:00

by Lincoln Brewster

By the hand of Your Spirit
Play the strings of my heart
And reveal all my hidden songs
By Your love let me hear it
When the song in my heart is not for You

Hold me in Your hands
Receive me as I am
And take
Take me away
I wanna be in the secret place

On the waves of Your mercy
I will sail on Your sea
I will give to You all of me
In the light of Your glory
I will lay on my face and worship You

Hold me in Your hands
Receive me as I am
And take
Take me away
I wanna be in the secret place

Hold me in Your hands
Receive me as I am
And take
Take me away
I wanna be in the secret place
I wanna be in the secret place

With You is where I wanna be
Lord I worship You
Lord I love You
Lord I love You
Lord I need You
Lord I love You
Lord I need You
Lord I worship You
And I lift my heart and my hands to You
All my days

nightmare

2007-06-25T21:21:00.000+08:00

I had the same nightmare for two nights within a week. Though I can't recall exactly what they were in the morning, but I know they were somewhere along the same line. Seriously, I don't like those dreams I had. I hope the dreams were due to insufficient rest. I hope they are not so-called "old man shall dream dreams" type of dreams, if you get what I mean.

[more deaths]

just before the last weekend, two of my colleagues' grandpa passed away. Then I received an sms, saying that Leon's father was admitted to SGH. He was told to be prepared for the worst.

Comparing the ratios these days, I seem to be attending more funeral wakes than the invitations to all kinds of birthdays and weddings. I used to fork out big bucks for all those joyous ocassions, but now, it's more to giving "white gold" and walking that last mile to the furnance. Depressing? I don't deny it. One day, it will be my turn to return to ashes.

But through it all, I was reminded of Ecclesiastes 3. There's a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven. We can't avoid them. It's all part of life, whether we like it or not. Changes and harsh realities like these may be hard to face or accept, but only one thing remains constant, the word of God stands forever (Isa 40:8).

Praise be to God in the highest!

[whereabouts of my born-in-the-year-1980 sji/sjab cadets]

After more than 11 years, I bumped into Yuen Liang at Starbucks Valley Point when I was about to read up for my essay. He's currently working in JP Morgan as a consultant. He's more well-built but still looked the same.

I got to know that Nicholas Liu who used to have this blood-in-urine disorder, is now teaching Chemistry in Nan Hua High School.

I also got to know that Derek (not mister iguana), is doing a double degree in the aussie land.

I'm feeling very old now ...

tortured

2007-06-25T00:44:00.000+08:00

Nicholas remarked to me a few times about this "accusational" phrase on my blog - "tortured by his cell kids" .. hahaha. But as I reflect on this, I think I still like the word "tortured". In fact, I don't translate it literally as being bullied or tau-pok by them anymore, but as a word to remind me on how they have grown over these past one to two years, not only in age, size and height, but in maturity and their love for the Lord.

I have not been a good leader to them or a good mentor to my assistants. I don't think I have lived up to that expectations as one. It's regret I have to live with. But whenever I see some of them beginning to pray or worship God ferverntly with their hands lifted high, I am reminded again that God is already working and moving, slowly but surely, in the midst of them, drawing them closer to Him daily. The Heavenly Dad has and will always be their ultimate leader.

Deep in my heart, I am very thankful. The joy of seeing my assistants and members grow in Him, is my reward. How could I ask for more ....

One day, they shall be greater and better than me ... they better be, man.

Time to retire, I guess ...

dszs2122 vs bsp

2007-06-24T16:42:00.000+08:00

The next few months to come are going to be pretty challanging - attending the lectures / tutorials for dszs2122 module (which I forked out 1.9k plus singapore dollars) and attending the bible study programme (which is a once-in-a-lifetime thing happening in coos), which will be held concurrently on all the Tuesday evenings.

This is going to be FUN!!!

SO HELP ME, LORD!

doomed

2007-06-19T23:37:00.000+08:00

I'M REALLY DOOMED!!!! Haizzzz... HAHAHAHA !

Expected the outcome, but grading still considered better than expected. Wish I could redo it for the coming semester but I don't think they would let me do so.

At the end of it all, in all things, give thanks to the Lord.

remember me

2007-06-17T23:05:00.000+08:00

Incidentally, this song popped into my mind today ... a song from Heavenly Dad up there to all His children on this Father's Day ...

This is His love song for you.

Remember Me
In a Bible cracked and faded by the years
Remember Me
In a sanctuary filled with silent prayer

And age to age
And heart to heart,
Bound by grace and peace.
Child of wonder,
Child of God,
I've remembered you,
Remember Me.

Remember Me
When the color of the sunset fills the sky
Remember Me
When you pray and tears fall from your eyes.

And age to age
And heart to heart,
Bound by grace and peace.
Child of wonder
Child of God,
I've remembered you,
Remember Me

Remember Me
When the children leave their Sunday school with smiles
Remember Me
When they're old enough to teach,
Old enough to preach
Old enough to leave.

And age to age
And heart to heart
Bound by grace and peace
Child of wonder,
Child of God,
I've remembered you,
Remember Me.

Age to age
And heart to heart
Child of wonder
Child of God
Remember Me.

happy daddy's day

2007-06-17T01:29:00.001+08:00

To all the fathers, be it biological, spiritual or adoptive ... happy and blessed Fathers Day to all of you.

And yes, to the ultimate Dad who sits on the throne in the Kingdom of Heaven, Happy and Blessed Father's Day to You :)

[akan datang]

Coming this Tuesday 2pm is my doomsday ... hahaha. Don't think I dare to login to the portal and see how screw up I performed that night :P

Ah well ... at the end of it all, Praise the Lord.

stage 4

2007-06-12T22:55:00.000+08:00

I just came to realise that my abled ex-colleague, small tan (not so small actually, older than me by another 6 years or so, i guess), was diagnosed with lung cancer stage 4. Some calls this the stage of no return, one way ticket. Technically in the medical world, it means that as long as cancer cells has spreaded to other parts of the body, it's classified as that stage. In his case, it was suspected to be the brain.

I met up with him during dinner at the last minute. He was really cool and calm. But I'm not so sure if the weather in his heart spoke the same. He said he didn't feel any pain around his lungs ... maybe it's true, maybe he's trying not to make anyone worry.

It was the opportunity to tell him about God's healing hands and how people who were ill have been healed. Rennie, another ex-colleague cum insurance agent cum church sis, who was also present to help him settle his medical claims, also introduced him to Jesus. He wasn't keen, probably because of the brave front he was trying to hold up to. So, we encouraged him to attend for healing service or healing room in coos. Will have to keep him in prayers and nudge him to give Jesus a chance to do miracles in his life. Only Jesus saves and heals, not us or the pastors.

Anyway, time to "dispose" my CPU to the church in batam island if I can get the hard disk changed, formatted and installed with the windows, and packed it up into a box before this saturday.

project friendmarked

2007-06-08T01:15:00.000+08:00

Recently set up by galvin, my godson. You can dedicate your friendmarks to your loved ones through this site. Free friendmarks if you place an order before 13 June 2007. After that, you have to pay lar, but at a very minimal fee. Would be great if you could spread this around.

Why this project? because friends ... they do matter.

no regrets

2007-06-08T00:31:00.000+08:00

I asked and I got it. He spoke to me in a special way. The words were personal. Too personal to journal it here. It has to do with my own fear and the harsh realities I have to face constantly, but I don't have to face it alone. Ok, enough said on this. To me, it was a good rest even though I brought my notes to study at night to prepare for my coming tests on learning psych and abnormal psych.

I got another surprise. First time recognising bob ong in this advance, after taking a serious hard look on his face and flipping through my temporal lobes. I really could not recognise him at all since his preteens days. No doubt about it because he has grown too. Best of all, his younger sister, grace, is one of my ACGL! Talk about the world being small.

Had the opportunity to spend time with gideon. Not so much of a man-to-man talk, but doing things together - around the discussion table and going for prayerdrive and walk in malacca. It's not often that we would be able to do this outside the cell environment. But, I was glad to have that chance. In time to come, I believe this sidekick of mine will just rise up to have his own proteges and sidekick.

To Gideon, grace, michelle - if you were to read this, I want to say thank you for giving to the Lord and being a blessing to me. I'm truly honoured to have you partnering with me in looking after the cell people.

To all the coos youths, you are really and truly a bunch of wonderful and lovely people. I love and treasure each and everyone of you :)

Time to do some final reading on my notes and zzzzz ...

CLICK HERE for some of the photos

CLICK HERE for the fireworks video (tilt your head 90 degrees anticlockwise to view it. you have been warned).

advance!!!!

2007-06-02T23:07:00.000+08:00

I've managed to finished my portion of essay for the "Good Will Hunting" group project work. Not sure if it is up to the expected standard. As long as my team leader don't ask me to beef up further, then i can say "phew" with a sigh of relief. At least for now, I can go for the leaders' advance with this load off my shoulder, but I still have to tackle my reading for a test which is one day after I come back from the trip, followed by another one on the week after next.

I don't know what I'll encounter during the advance which starts from tomorrow to thrusday, but one thing for sure, I don't want to leave without encountering God. If you are reading this, keep me in prayers in this area, ok?

will hunting

2007-05-21T23:02:00.001+08:00

Watched this movie the second time because of the group project. The first time was about 9 to 10 years ago at Lido.

This time, I saw myself in this character called Will Hunting.

[shortcomings]

Personally, leaders are not exempted from temptations, downfalls, weaknesses, hurts, desolations, sins ... because I'm one of them ... but that does not mean we are wimps. Like any men, we are learning to deal with these issues as well as our emotional baggages, even we are role models or mentors to others. Like any men, we want to pour out that love of God to others and to be loved (yes, Pa is the giver of His infinite love). Like any men, we live and we learn from our mistakes ... and as we learn and if we allow God to mould us in His time, we grow to be more like Him.

Very sorry if you are still disappointed.

brain jam

2007-05-16T00:16:00.000+08:00

No, it's not a bottle of jam made of brain for your morning breakfast indulgence. I was happily doodling ... I mean, writing my answers until my brain just got jammed at the very last hour of my paper, leaving 1.5 questions out of 5 untackled.

That was already bad enough. Then I noticed another fellow female (auntie-category) coursemate with 2 booklets submitted as answer, and hearing another coursemate telling me that he managed to finished up the 5 required questions ... my darn mood sunk to pits. hur hur.

Guess I don't have the luxury of kissing this module anytime sooner.

I'm feeling very sucky on this, like a total loser. But I know I cannot give up the course without a good fight (remembering a graduate whom I bumped into during his graduation last year who told me not to give up at all cost).... and in all things, give thanks to Pa.

Still, I still feel sucky.

Time to go head-on with the Good Will Hunting group project.

[what to do when you can't answer your test or exam paper ....]

Step 1 - draw a big A4-sized tortise for question 1 (assuming question 1 is a mandatory question)

Step 2 - identify all the questions you are supposed to answer

Step 3 - for each of these identified questions, write "See Question 1 for the answer".

time of the season

2007-05-14T21:58:00.000+08:00

It's the time of the season once again. I'm on the verge of balding process - plucking a fistful of hair off my scalp. 21 hours from now will be my doomsday. Either I make it or I break, though it looks more like the latter. If I break, try again lar. Whichever the outcome, just praise God.

Haizzz...

Back to studies ... with free "stereo surround sound", courtesy from the fellow diners surrounding me at KAP MacD.

assignments and exam

2007-04-16T22:23:00.000+08:00

Stuck in Starbucks at Valley Point so as to rush my third and final tutor-marked assignment for this semester on unisim course. Thereafter, I need to rush and submit another essay for my other applied psychology course in two weeks time. Depending on when I could finish that essay, I would need to start to spot questions for the exam in mid May.

And I still have not applied for my leave to take exam yet.

Hur hur..

But God has been gracious. Despite the mad rush to submit my assignments on time, and knowing that I had not done well, I still managed to score a pretty decent score which may allow me to aim for A grade and a overall GPA of 4.5 for the module, if I do well for exam.

I don't know if I could get A grade this time round. But strangely, I don't have that feeling which is allowing anxiousness to run my emotions and faith. Maybe, I'm more prepared to accept failure if I were to fail one, though I'm still aiming high.

But one thing I've learnt so far, God is using this part-time studies to draw me, to reveal more of His nature to me in every step I take.

[biblical studies programme]

I may sound ambitious, but I have determined to take up this course which I had been praying for one and coos is finally starting it starting from June for God-knows-how-many months or years. There will be weekly lessons, discussions, reflections, and journalling. I really want to traverse deeper into God's words than I had before, not only in understanding but applying it to my own life even more effectively. There's still so much to learn even after being a Christian for 23 years. Even when Ps Michael Ross Watson returns to preach, his sermons always brings new light and perspective which I've not seen before, very reflective and applicable to our life and I knew I had a lot more to pick up. I need discipline and motivations to get through this whole programme. Whether I'll still be alive to finish it, that will be another thing altogether.

[retirement?]

I thought that since I disappeared from the cell for past 3 months, I could just disappear quietly. If God allows, I'll more than happy to do so and get my assistants to be full-fledged leaders. But somehow I think God thinks otherwise. He got Nic to block me from fading away from cell or even the ministry. I'll take that as a cue to steer them through for the rest of the year, after all my exams and weekend lessons are over in mid May. Therafter, I shall see where He wants me to be.

Ok... back to touching up my assignment, submitting it and head back home to nuah.

[one hour later .. ]

Finito! Completo! ... whatever... as long as the assignment has been submitted online.

small world

2007-04-13T20:47:00.000+08:00

Seriously.. either the world is terribly small or this is God's little humor (aka prank joke). I just found out that my Director at my workplace has just been recently taken up the role as a supervisor in coos youth ministry .... and I didn't know he was in coos all this while .... ahhhhhhhh!!!!